Monday, January 23, 2012

Stuck In My Throat

It burns. White hot. It feels like shutting down, like everything good and valuable is tainted.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't choose to feel this way.

Every petty thing ever said, every mean thought ever conceived; I forgive you all. For this is the meanest and pettiest of all. The darkest kind of hatred that blossoms from the purest of feelings. No one can know. I will package up this feeling and send it far away to the only person who can make sense of it.

Every time you told me you loved me, you went home to someone else. You made me into a fool to satisfy the worst of greeds. You destroyed me. I can do nothing by half-measures any more. No half-friends or half loves. The casual nature of life is repulsive and deceitful. It is all or nothing.

I hate you. I hate you both.

I live with the fear that you have confined me to.

There is one option left. One way to destroy you all. You will look me in the eye and know what I have done. It will never make us even, but it's one last thing that you cannot take from me.

Please God, give me the strength.

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