Hair was unravelling from the plaits I’d hastily braided that morning. My lips were bitten until they glowed a bright, raspberry red. And everything; the plates, my hands, Dracula (open where I’d left off), was stuck to the sticky tabletop in the too cute café.
Ernest’s hair was messy; the way I preferred it. His jacket was the one I’d picked for him at the thrift shop, the one he’d swore he’d never wear. He’d probably even recognise the song playing in the background (Smashing Pumpkins).
I was still getting used to this honesty thing. I swallowed, trying to pluck up some courage.
He was patient. I wondered if he could see the breakthrough, like that iceberg, about to shatter everything that was into everything that would be.
“Do you think two people can love one another forever?”
I expected his answer to come in an instant. Or that he’d pick a hole in my question. So he surprised me by being thoughtful.
“I really hope so.”
Hope. Not know. Not think. Hope, a sentiment so unworthy and unreliable. Ernest hoped.
And I knew that he was right, as usual. I could not know. I could only hope. Even when everything and everyone around me tried to tell me otherwise, hope remained.
“I suppose I could ask you what this is about, but I doubt you’ll tell me,” he remarked, un-sticking his elbows from the table.
So the New Year has found us. I've already made a few resolutions, such as:
- Get 3 new piercings
- Go to a new Festival
- Take more photos
And here are some things I'm loving right now:
1. Writing letters to exotic lands: my good friend has recently moved to India for six months to teach in a school. It's not like she's completely cut off from the world, but the two of us wrote letters to each other when she was at Uni, so now we're reviving the art again :)
2. My new Doc Martens: easily my favourite shoes in the world. These ones are especially cute but breaking them in can be particularly challenging.
3. Ramen: I keep making trips to the asian supermarket to sample the million different kinds of ramen. I especially like the ones that come in a broth. Delicious :)
4. My gorgeous bunny: Winter can be tough on little bunnies. Fye is good at keeping active during the winter, but he knows when it's cold he won't get as much attention. Hopefully the weather will improve soon and coax the family back outside.
It burns. White hot. It feels like shutting down, like everything good and valuable is tainted.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't choose to feel this way.
Every petty thing ever said, every mean thought ever conceived; I forgive you all. For this is the meanest and pettiest of all. The darkest kind of hatred that blossoms from the purest of feelings. No one can know. I will package up this feeling and send it far away to the only person who can make sense of it.
Every time you told me you loved me, you went home to someone else. You made me into a fool to satisfy the worst of greeds. You destroyed me. I can do nothing by half-measures any more. No half-friends or half loves. The casual nature of life is repulsive and deceitful. It is all or nothing.
I hate you. I hate you both.
I live with the fear that you have confined me to.
There is one option left. One way to destroy you all. You will look me in the eye and know what I have done. It will never make us even, but it's one last thing that you cannot take from me.