Wednesday, November 17, 2010

All These Ruptures In Ettiquette, All This Confident Decadence

I didn't expect to feel like this.

I expected tears. A lot of depressing music (although I have had a weird craving for JJ72 lately). Chocolate. More tears.

I thought seeing you would make my stomach eject it's contents.

There are no tears, not since the actual day. But I'm a real bitch right now, so I'm trying to avoid people I don't want to upset (and God am I failing miserably). And I saw you today and managed to ignore you. Kind of. Well, I didn't throw up anyway. And no chocolate has passed my lips (but I do keep eating oatmeal and raisin cookies, so maybe they count?)

I feel like I'm mourning the loss of how my life could have been. But, had I chose differently, perhaps one day, in the future, I would mourn the loss of the life that is now before me. If that makes any sense. I don't miss you (yet), but I miss the sense of belonging. For someone who has strived her whole life not to belong, it was nice to belong to you. And I realise I've just set feminism back by however many years, but whatever.

And as for the music... well, I'm not sure what I'll do if WAS play 'Pittsburgh' on Saturday. Maybe the tears will come then?

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