Saturday, July 31, 2010
We are fickle creatures. The second we get what we want we realise that it's not what we wanted at all.
I didn't want to be better than you. I wanted you to outshine me; to be prettier, skinnier, funnier, sweeter, kinder... Maybe then I could give up, call it a lost cause.
All is not lost. Dear God, I wish it were.
But I didn't come here to tell you that. I came to say that I'm gonna try. Try to fix all these knots that have crept up on me. I'm gonna pour myself into doing that so that I absolutely will not miss you.
I didn't mean to betray you though.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Vomiting. That primal, growl that crawls up your throat and explodes out of your mouth as you wretch. For such a waif of a girl, she sure could make a racket. She was draped over a toilet, which, in itself, was repulsive enough. Her trembling fingers found her mouth again and she forced them down her throat. A half scream erupted from her lips and I turned away, hearing the sound of her success.
That’s the first piece. See, they don’t tell you about the ugly side. The track marks, the dark circles, the vomiting. Those parts are dusted over with their magic. You only see the flashbulb smiles. The teeth so white they could have fifties style twinkles. The long, willowy, perfect bodies.
My Father once told me everything has it’s price. Remember that, the next time you look at one of those glossy pictures.
Shots. Lined up on a sticky bar, their contents glowing like magic potions. You throw them back, tasting nothing as they burn a trail down your throat, settling like hot coals in your stomach.
A girl, Cecilia. She was going to rehab in the morning. The others were weeping over her as if it were her funeral. But, the beautiful people, we have a tendency for over-dramatics. No one cared really. The girl was stunning, a tall, (unnatural) redhead. They shed their tears and kept their grins on the inside. Pretty girls were all competition.
Tablets. Ecstasy was popular: it didn’t make you hungry. I watched their hands grab eagerly for them, swallowing the bright orbs of pure white. I ground mine between my fingers, wondering, in my drunken state, how something so fragile could be so powerful once you let it inside.
They danced harder, their movements blurring as I sank into a blissful, drunken languor. I laughed to myself, feeling like a God. I didn’t need drugs. I didn’t need to wrench back anything that passed my lips. I laughed at the competition.
I was omnipotent. I shone brighter; I dazzled, I astounded, I stunned every person that laid eyes on me.
I was untouchable.
A scream. The nails down a chalkboard kind; piercing enough to wake me from my inebriated slumber. I was hot, almost feverish. My short-term memory was impaired by the poison I’d consumed so willingly. For a moment I stared up at the ceiling and felt a jolt of fear, not recognising my surroundings. Cold was seeping through my clothes. I’d fallen asleep on a tiled floor; brick red tiles like the kind they have in Spanish villas that stay cool despite the outside heat.
But this wasn’t Spain. So why was it so hot? Why were my clothes soaked with sweat?
My heart raced with panic as I clumsily attempted to sit up.
Another scream. I took a breath but it felt like swallowing a swarm of bees and I choked, coughing like a smoker.
A bang. That’s the last piece. No images, just the sound of a blast as my life was blown to smithereens.
I awoke with a pile of pieces in my lap. But, just like my memories, there were shards, slithers, missing. So I couldn’t put it back together the same way.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
One Book That Changed Your Life:
'Speak' by Laurie Halse Anderson. This book made me realise that writers have no rules. You tell the story at your own pace. You hold the secrets like cards to your chest, throwing down your ace when the time is right for you.
One Book You’d Wish You’d Written:
'Valiant' by Holly Black - it's as beautiful as a rainbow in an oil slick.
One Book You Have To Read More Than Once:
One Book That Made You Cry:
'Dreamland' by Sarah Dessen. Her books always make me cry, but that one is the saddest.
One Book You’d Want On A Desert Island:
Two Books That Made You Laugh:
Two Books You Are Currently Reading:
One Book You’ve Been Meaning To Read:
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The press of the air, the eerie darkness combined with the sticky heat... it all makes me feel just a little bit edgy.
Toni posted an interesting blog yesterday. I like it when people ask questions in their blogs, gives me something to say!
1) If you could swap lives with a friend (still be you with your own particular skills, interests and personality but get rid of all your own problems and have theirs instead) would you?
No. Of course, it would be incredibly tempting. When things are going badly, it's so easy to assume that everyone has it better than you. But people are good at putting up facades - everyone's hurting about something, some are just better at hiding it than others. I don't believe the grass is greener on the other side.
2) If you could tell someone something with complete immunity from the consequences, what would it be and to who?
If I answered that, surely I wouldn't be able to erase the answer from all your minds! I would tell my best friend why I'm such a headcase lately. But, of course, those kinds of things should be explained face to face.
3) If you could remove one bodily function from your life, you'll never need to do it again, what would it be?
Sweating. Definitely sweating.
4) If you could remove one person from your life, so you'll never have to deal with them directly or deal with the consequences of their actions, who would it be and why?
If I remove them, will I have no memory of them ever existing? If so, then the list is endless.
5) What makes you most angry?
The people I love. By caring for people, you open yourself up to them, giving them the means to hurt you like no one else can. Whether they meant to hurt me or not, every tear I've shed in the last year has been because of someone I love.
Friday, July 09, 2010
There's music somewhere in the distances, music and cheers. The air smells like clay and hot junk food and decadence and summer. The sun is beating down, making my hair shiny. There's a pack weighing down my shoulders and I'm greasy with suncream and thus smell faintly like a coconut.
Keep 'em closed!
But it's not just the sun and the music and the deliciously-bad-for-you-food. It's the tradition, the stabiliser that comes around every year without fail. It's the smile on my face, a real one! The swirl of happiness in my gut and the slew of memories in my minds' eye.
I'm happy. I'm relaxed. I'm giddy, childish, chilled, indulgent... the list goes on.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
For once I want to tell someone. It is practically eating me up inside! But it cannot be explained over a text or a tweet. It must be explained delicately.
Just ask my Mother.
I can't write at the moment. Which is infuriating. I'm so tired of thinking myself in circles. But I go to work and there's nothing to distract me from thinking, thinking, thinking of it. I'm not crazy. But I'm not about to talk this down, like I always do. Still, there's only one person I want to tell. So it'll just have to wait.
When it all comes out this post will make sense. You'll remember my crazy 1am post and think ohhhhhhhhhhh, so that's what she was babbling on about!
For now, here's a hot boy to make up for said babbling:
You can't tell from this photo, but he has perfect teeth!
I was talking about Scarborough yesterday and it made me long to be there again. I could taste salt on my lips, smell prawns and candyfloss, hear the jingle of arcades and the crow of the seagulls. If I closed my eyes, it was as if I were there, sat up on the north cliff, listening to Bon Iver and watching the cars swing along the bay. Perfect.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
My love of Blaine Harrison has been well-documented. So when he sings lines like: All I wanna do is melt, melt, melt, melt into you... Well, swoon. I think it's the lyrics that keep them from drifting into the sewage that we call the Top 40. Moments of pure brilliance are littered amongst some predictable rhymes. Moments like "Have you heard the birds and bees, have all got STDs?" Needless to say, it's the soundtrack to my life right now.
The strange thing about the Mystery Jets is that I should hate the direction they've gone in. From the eccentricities of 'Making Dens' to the wall of eighties nostalgia that is 'Serotonin'.
But I can't hate it. I love the Mystery Jets and firmly believe that all they touch turns to musical gold. Even if that is pop music.
In other news, I finished my Bill Bryson book, 'Notes From A Small Island' today. I loved it. Bill Bryson's dry yet optimistic style is very endearing. Plus, at one point in his travels, he goes to Wigan (!) and even mentions my hometown:
"Wigan can't be more than 15 or 16 miles from Manchester, but it took most of the afternoon to get there. We lurched and reeled through endless streets than never seemed to change character or gain any. They were all lined with tiny terrace houses, of which every fourth one seemed to be a hairdressers'. We went through Eccles and Worsley, then through a surprisingly posh bit, then on through Boothstown and Tyldesley and Atherton and Hindley and other such places of which I had never heard."
He even at one point goes to the Corinthia Cafe (I go there sometimes!) and is actually quite complimentary of Wigan.
I shall endeavor to read more of Bryson's work :)
Sunday, July 04, 2010
- Jasper and Rosalie back story. - More Cullens just in general. I love the Cullens and have often felt like they've been sidelined in the films thus far. Eclipse rectifies this beautifully.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Thursday, July 01, 2010
With all the birthday palava, I forgot to share my overwhelming squee-rific excitement about this:
Yes, that's right, we're getting a new Zelda for the Wii! Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.
I have to say E3 was very good this year. A new Goldeneye (oh please let it be as good as 64!), Donkey Kong Country Returns and even a new Kirby! The Nintendo 3DS looks wicked...
BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO A NEW ZELDA GAME! AND LOOK, LINK HAS PANTS!!!