Friday, July 17, 2009

In Case You Never Know

"as we grow and follow our own dreams, friendships are no longer as effortless as they once were"

I've been feeling the weight of forever dragging me down the last couple of days. At Manchester Orchestra last night, they played this song called 'I've Got Friends' and its all about letting people go. I sat around a table with five of my closest friends today. And there was only one I felt close to.

The others are just slipping through my fingers.

The right thing to do is let them go. But right now, when my whole life is so uncertain, I can't see it like that. I can only see them leaving me. Leaving me behind for dreams, ambitions, aspirations and new people. So I pull away first.

It doesn't help that my life seems to bore them all. Whether that's true or not, its just how I feel, how I've felt for a while. I'm like a hick country girl surrounded by city slickers. And I hate that so much. I should never resent my life like that; I know how lucky I am.

I discovered something disconcerting in the last week. I can tell the truth. But it's like a transaction. People tell me their truths, bear their shivering souls to my scrutiny and I feel obligated to reciprocate with a piece of myself.

Obligated! Fucking obligated! That's just messed up.

The truth is so overrated. It can make you cry, or hate, or flinch. It changes people. I really don't recommend it.

But there you go. Tell me a secret and I might just tell you one back. And then kick myself for ever opening my mouth.

And like a week ago I said I hate when people write self-pitying posts. This isn't one. I'm young and healthy with freedom of speech and a good family. People would kill to be so lucky. I am that lucky.

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