Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Things Are...

I think that one day I will look back on this and feel regret. I now know what it is to regret. Three years ago I had nothing to regret but bad fashion choices and hideous crushes. Now I have whole months of regret. And I'm not sure what's worse. To live without regret, rushing into decisions with eyes closed? Or to learn from mistakes, ever cautious?

Tomorrow I will fail.

And I don't care.

Initially my stomach might coil. I might freak out for a moment. But once it's over the numbness will pull me under. And all I will have left is worry... the worry that you will be disappointed in me.

And you will. You who turns everything into gold. You who has excuses for their mistakes. You who think you understand. You who never took the plunge yourself. You who love me most, you will all be disappointed.

I'm sorry. But it's too late. I won't change. I've been this way too long, my bones have set and the hour is nearing midnight.

Perhaps one day you will know what is I really want. Who it is I really am. I am the girl who takes the steps instead of the escalator. I am the girl with the rumpled dress. I have only one dream, so fragile and impossible that I must protect it with everything, no matter how many lies I have to tell.

Things are what you make of them. I wouldn't change this. I wouldn't. I'm not smart. I'm not ambitious. I'm not determined. I'm not kind. I'm not brave.

I don't deserve to be the one representing you. Wherever you are. But things are what you make of them and maybe that's your decision to make.

This was my decision.

1 comment:

cath_skinny said...

Ok, so I don't know what's wrong with you right now and I do know that you don't want me to. But please promise me that if you need anything you will call me. You don't have to explain why you need me to do whatever it is you're asking of me but I do want you to know that I'm here for you no matter what. I love you, I really do. xxx