Saturday, June 27, 2009

Preferring Fiction To Reality

Like butterfly cocoons, spliffs covered the counter. It was like some sort of surreal production line as Porter, Simon and Lazy Lips Sam ground and rolled, ground and rolled. The stink was enough to make me feel light-headed.

“Babe,” Porter slurred, noticing me in the doorway. I hated that. I always figured guys who called girls by pet names did so because they couldn’t recall their actual names.

“Aren’t you guys worried that you’re gonna get busted?”

Festival security was tight. I knew because we’d been stopped ourselves and had to spend a long time explaining the five sacks of coffee beans in the boot of our car.

Lazy Lips winked at me. I resisted the urge to retch.

“Nah, see, you just gotta be creative,” Simon told me. He pointed to a cool bag. “Show ‘er Sam.”

Sam took two spliffs and slid them into black protectors. He then sandwiched them between two slices of bread. Like a pro, he cling-filmed the spliff sarnie and tossed it into the cool bag.

I didn’t know whether to be impressed or horrified.

Porter grinned. His eyes were glazed. Clearly he’d been sampling the product.

“Ain’t no one gonna wanna check our sandwiches, Babe.”

He moved towards me, but I took a sharp step back. Simon, who was always far too perceptive for my liking, noticed my hesitance.

“How about a snack?” He offered, grabbing one of the skinny joints. Porter’s eyes sparked with enthusiasm. Even Sam seemed to perk up. But Simon’s gaze was on me, waiting for my answer.


James had an uncanny ability of showing up when I needed him. Which, these days, was pretty much anytime I was anywhere near Porter. It was a full-time job keeping someone as naive as me out of trouble. Without a word, James had taken the task upon himself.

But sometimes I had to wonder what he was getting from our unspoken agreement.

James’ hands were on my elbows. He guided me backwards, tugging me towards safety.

“We have to go, Jared’s throwing a fit.”

Simon’s smile was gone. “Next time then.”

James shot him a look that would have made Hitler shiver. His hands became clamps around my arms as he pulled me away and outside.

Once out of their sight, he released me at once, staring at his hands as though they’d betrayed him.

His expression told me he was going to say something. I waited.

“Look, I don’t give a shit what you do in your own time but,” he hesitated suddenly before looking down at me. His eyes seemed to burn with something I couldn’t name. “Just be careful. I don’t trust those guys.”

“Porter and me-”

“I don’t care.” He looked away. “I really don’t.”

A smarter girl would have made him care. Or seen that he was lying. Or at least been angry that she was being used like a pawn in Jared’s quest for success. But I was locked into the promises I’d made. I couldn’t make any more.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I know you think it was all about your hair. And I guess I'm less shallow than I give myself credit for, since it totally wasn't. Nor was it the erection. I mean really, what girl doesn't take that as a compliment? I'd be worried if you didn't get one.

Really it comes down to that old line; it's me, not you. And it was. Still is.

If anything, you were too good. So much better than I expected. You played my weak spots, your hands as skilled as any pianist. I clung to you like a junkie and even now a craving for you crawls through my veins.

I glanced back before I left, just to savour one last look at you. Your jeans were still around your ankles. My lipgloss was smeared across your right cheek, down below your jaw, like a glittery treasure map. You stared up at the ceiling and those dark, dark eyes were still wild with hunger.

It was enough that picture. I had done this to you. I had made you want.

The tears came as I sat on the bus and realised there was no turning back. What was done could not be undone. I looked down at myself, my rumpled dress, my shaking hands. The window left me with nothing but my own reflection to stare at. My lips were swollen, red raw where you had bitten me.

But there was no ache. Nothing, but the bitter sting of what might have been and the piercing fear that the chance may now be gone forever.

And I would be left disgustingly pure until my last breath.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Mr. Mandy Jones

'Birthday Week' so to speak has been lovely. First off Dan, Toni and Kyle made me a delicious birtday cake! No one has ever made me a cake before and I was honestly so so touched. I blew out my candles and made a wonderful wish. In fact, I made the same wish for both my cakes... does that mean I have double the chance of it coming true? A night of fun and games with some of my most favourite people in the whole wide world ensued. Thanks guys, it was so awesome.

Then Aqualung on Friday! I dragged Dan to the union like an hour before doors opened. It was clear the security guys felt sorry for us, sat like losers in the rain (sorry Dan!). No matter, we ended up at the front anyway and the gig was so, so perfect. The supports were great and Matt was just so charming and genuine. I loved how he kept forgetting the words and asking the crowd for help. And he was so funny too:

This is Matt dancing!!! Isn't he just too too adorable? I met this really nice guy (hi Kim!) after the gig. He was totally awestruck after meeting Matt and told me about how he got into Aqualung and how he danced the first dance at his wedding to an Aqualung tune. When he stumbled over to me at first I thought 'oh God, why me?' but he was insanely nice and offered me a lift to the station in the taxi with his friends. What a kind stranger :)

Check out this vid I took! You can hear me laughing on it occasionally :) But it was very, very funny.

Then of course Russell Howard last night, which was a total riot.

And now I'm just so so tired. Gotta rest up for work and Kings of Leon tomorrow. Ciao!

Thursday, June 18, 2009


I wanted to punish you. But you're too good to me, too fragile, too kind, too thoughtful. I should have punished you. I should have grabbed your shoulders and shook you.

Anger curls my fingers until it feels as though they are around your scrawny neck. I would rip that voice from your throat. You'd never speak another deceitful word again.

I won't let you. I won't let you ruin everything and everyone.

You asked for this. I'll fight you with every breath in my body.

You make me so sick.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Manditory Birthday Post

To say yesterday was as close to perfect as days get is not an understatement. It wasn't just the weather (perfect), the presents (top notch) the company (fantastic) or the cake (DElish)... Never have I felt so fussed and loved. It was all about the constant text messages, the inbox full of e-cards, the hugs and kisses and the windowsill full of cards.
I'm a lucky, lucky girl :)

We started the day off at Gemini where, true to perfect day form, I had delicious lasagne. I talk about Gemini lasagne a lot so... I snapped a picture of it before tucking in. Just imagine that being placed in front of you, still bubbling it's so hot.
My one birthday stipulation had been a real birthday cake. My folks totally came through on this one. Twas very delicious. The 'rents took like a million pictures, which was sweet but got old very quickly.

I'd like to thank everyone, everyone who texted, bought me presents, sent me cards, hung out with me in Manchester... you made it such an awesome 21st.

Now I have a weekend full of gigs to look forward to :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Number 1

The list of 52 Things To Do While I'm 21 started TODAY!

1. Get A Piercing

I love piercings. No tattoos, nothing permanent, just temporary holes in my skin. Love em. So I went into Skinvasion today to ask for a snug piercing. But when I did the dude behind the counter looked a bit hesitant. Apparently they're a real bitch to heal. I appreciated his advice and, since I was determined to get pierced today, I went along instead with his suggestion of a rook piercing (which was what I'd intended to get in the first place but kind of wussed out of).

I got in there (on my own since Toni didn't want to watch) and lay down on my side. I expected him to wipe my ear but he was straight in there with the needle! I totally didn't see it coming! Quickest piercing ever. And I love it. It did hurt but didn't sting much afterwards so it's all good (I might not be saying that when I go to sleep tonight though).

1 down, 51 to go :)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

So Would I Be Out Of Line If I Said...

Skinny is off to America for 3 (and a half) weeks. And as happy as I am for her (she'll be off gallavanting and having a grand old time in the US of A, probably becoming very nationalist while she's there and expressing her newfound staunch Englishness in many silly ways (whilst chomping on American 'candy')) I'm sad that she won't be there on Tuesday.

I have two kinds of friends: the kind of friends who are so stupendously busy that it's difficult to schedule time in with them and the kind of friends who drop everything for you. At times each of my friends falls into one of these categories. And I'm cool with that. But Skinny has tended to be the latter and I can't remember the last birthday I celebrated without her.

Hmm. It might have been my sixteenth. Was she there on my eighteenth? Gah! Anyway...

Regardless, there'll be a little pang in my heart on Tuesday. There'll be a little pang for everyone who isn't here with me... not because I wish you were (you all have things to do, important things that I get) but because it will remind me how much I miss you.

Still, I'll have Toni. Now I really cannot remember the last birthday I didn't celebrate with her. God, I'm old.

For someone who pretends not to care about their birthday, I sure do keep rambling on about it. But everyone else keeps bringing it up, I swear!

Okay, I have a serious question that I meant to ask... is it weird to go to a gig on your own? This is not a hint for someone to offer to come with me. Generally I'm cool with doing things on my own (going to films, hanging in cafes, shopping etc.) but this kind of scares me. Maybe I should add it to my 52 Things list???

What do you guys reckon? Suggestions and opinions would be appreciated!

Friday, June 12, 2009

A List of Things Everyone Else Seems to Love That I Can’t Help But Hate

I must give credit to Alanna for this idea. I don't agree with some of the things on her list (Twilight?! Lolcatz?!) but I love the idea since moaning is almost an Olympic sport for us English:

Facebook: Oh Facebook how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways - actually, there just isn't enough time in the day for that.

La Roux/Katy Perry/Lady Gaga/Generic Godawful Girl Noise: All of these ladies are very pretty. However, they are not talented. They're actually really annoying. And their... well, the noise they produce (if they actually even do produce it) is like eating toffee rock - it's sticky, it's sickly, it's bad for you, it's stamped with a product name and it gets old very quickly.


Big Brother: Does this actually count? I don't know anyone who is still watching. Apparently we only have two more years to put up with it. Two years too many in my opinion.

The BNP: If I saw Nick Griffin would I chuck an egg at him? Uh yes. I voted so I have the right to slag him off :)

Belts with dresses: WTF? I am no fashionista (no shit) but whoever thought this one up must be taken out and shot.

Gordon Ramsay: I work with chefs so no one knows better than me that chefs can be real bastards. I mean, this is a generalisation, not all chefs are horrible. However, I have been punished before, not by my own incompetence, but due to a chef's bad mood. Gordon Ramsay just seems to represent all of this. He's horrible! And the fact that women find this attractive... no one may ever criticise my Cullen love whilst Ramsay Love exists.

Greatest Hits: I thought I was getting a new Incubus album (and on my birthday no less!) but no... an Incubus Greatest Hits. There's a couple of new songs and rarities but it's basically a Greatest Hits. Okay, they've earned it. 6 albums warrants a Greatest Hits. I'm just... disappointed.

Train Fiction: Oh you know what I'm referring to. Jodi Picoult, Dan Brown, James Patterson, Ian Rankin... need I go on? My hatred of adult fiction is well-known. My parents hoped I'd grow out of reading teen books... thus far they were wrong. But if train fiction is the alternative? It's not that they're bad books. They're just generic. Like CSI - not a bad show, but always with the same construct.

The Olympics: Saved the biggie till last. I hate the Olympics anyway. It has always seemed to me that people who dislike sport/know very little about sport love the Olympics. God, what a snoozefest. And we've actually paid for the privilege of hosting it! To say that I'm dreading 2012 is an understatement. We should have just bought another world cup. Or built a proper F1 track. Or put more roofs on the Wimbledon courts. Meh.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Tones of Home

I've just 'received' my first birthday gift.

I'm going to Dublin. I think.

I wanted someone to make a big deal out of my birthday (and honestly, doesn't everyone? But I am loathe to ask someone to make a big deal. I'd honestly rather spend it alone than ask someone to spend it with me) and I really shouldn't have underestimated Vic and Lynda.

How the heck am I gonna top this when Vic turns 21??? I have ideas already, but I'm sure anything I come up with won't metaphorically punch Vic in the gut like this has to me. A good punch. Like being punched by Emmett Cullen maybe.

But I digress. I feel like I didn't express my excitement/gratitude/enthusiasm very adequately (as in I didn't scream like when she got me my Lucas shirt heh heh). I'm incredibly psyched. I've always wanted to go to Dublin (woo! I can tick it off on my list of awesome places to go!) and right now I can just picture myself in some awesome Irish pub sipping a pint of Guinness (I like Guinness, Vic will probably be drinking tap water. Le sigh.)

- Did you know Bram Stoker came from Dublin?
- Dublin has been voted the most friendly city in Europe in 2009.
- There are trams in Dublin! Woo public transport!
- Dublin has mild summers (thank God)
- I have irish roots, on one side anyway
- There's a zoo (!) and a castle in Dublin

So see, I'm very excited.

La Traviata

Once you tell someone something they share some of the weight of this knowledge. Supposedly this is why telling people things is such a relief.

Usually I'm good at taking on these burdens. I'm a spilt milk kind of person, I really find little use in worrying about something I can't change. But the older I get, the bigger the knowledge, the more it weighs me down until eventually I must surely be crushed.

And what of the people who tell me these things? If I'm struggling to carry my own piece of the problem, how on earth are they staggering on with a boulder strapped to their back? I marvel, I really do. They think they're weak. I'm frankly amazed by their ability to keep walking.

Just let me know when I'm allowed to destroy all these troublemakers. I've got a lot of hate just waiting to decimate anyone who bothers any of my friends. In fact I've been told I can be horrifically cruel with just a few well aimed comments.

A true Pistola.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009


Doesn't getting things done just feel GREAT?

During exam period I generally relax my rules about a)working at the stadium b)cleaning my room c)any other none-educational commitment.

Which means when I finish exams I'm generally broke, living in squalor and majorly guilt tripping.

But not this year! My room is clean! I've been working every weekend (Friday and Saturday nights, man I have no life) AND my passport application is sent and I just need the dude to get back to me and tell me where to send the cash for our apartment in Marseilles.

Yeah baby, I rock!

I apologise for the boringness/bragging rights of this post. Expect a lot more boringness. I have a month before my holiday (well 29 days) and a lot of saving up to do. So work and no going out ensues.

Kevin Smith

When I first got LOVEFilm I kept renting films I'd already seen - dumb. So I had to quit doing that (apart from the occasional classic) and start watching new films, cult films, Kevin Smith films...

Tonight I watched Clerks and boy has it been a long time. I love Clerks. The very idea of it... just totally inspiring. Clerks is a film for anyone who has ever worked in a dead end job.

Clerks II is, obviously, more polished, but the dialogue is still just as laugh out loud funny. And not much can make me laugh out loud. I am not a constantly lol-ing person. Plus there's a scene with a donkey which is just priceless.

Jay and Silent Bob was where it all began. Credit here must go to Toni and her cool Uncle Ewart. I love this film. Watch it for the cameos alone, you could not count them on just your fingers.

Surprisingly I hated Chasing Amy. I know he's supposed to be annoying, but Jason Lee's character was just too much of an asshole. Definitely Smith's weakest film out of my selection.

But I did love Mallrats, where Jason Lee was less annoying more amusing. Everyone seems to dislike Mallrats, probably just because it's not Clerks, but I found it to be good, if not as brilliant.

Dogma... I'm not even going there. Dogma is okay. Everyone really bums this film. It's quite obvious to me that Dogma is not the best Kevin Smith film. Dogma is just the Kevin Smith film that everyone's seen. Pfft, go out and get yourself a real Kevin Smith education.

I might watch Jersey Girl, but I think my Kevin Smith season is over. Cheers LOVEFilm!

Friday, June 05, 2009

Conceding Defeat

Sometimes I wish my birthday could just pass me by. Just skip over me, like skimming a stone. I did nothing when I turned 18. So the pressure to make 21 count... I'm starting to feel it. I want a story to tell my kids. I want a landmark.

And I've had offers. But I turn down every offer and say I'm doing something with someone else. Why is that? I can't even explain it to myself. I've still got a week to figure something out.

Did I tell you about my list? I decided to make a list of 52 things to do while I'm 21 (Skinny did too, but she's been 21 nearly a week and hasn't blogged once!). So, this is how it works:

- The things have to be things I've not done before (e.g. go go-karting) or something I'm doing differently (a different kind of piercing or going to a new place)
- It's not a life list, some of the things are totally un-extreme.
- I have to do at least one a week, but, if the opportunity arises, I can do more than one per week.
- I have to blog about it (preferably with photographic evidence)

The list is mainly to get me to do some stuff that I've been intending to do - a kick up the arse really. Like I've been putting off giving blood for ages so I slapped it on the list and now I have to do it (eeek, I'm scared already!).

So you can expect some weekly blogging about my random adventures!

Kirsty and I went to the Rivi on Thursday. I hadn't been for months and boy was I out of shape! At least now we've arranged to make it a weekly appointment (just like the old days) so in a couple of weeks I'll be tackling the hills like a pro :) I love getting to hang out with Kirsty and the exercise and all, but the best thing is just how gorgeous it is up there.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Reuben Day

June 4th shall forever be known as Reuben day (a.k.a. the day my musical heart was broken).

But I just had to blog about the ridiculousness that is this.

Seriously, click the link, feel the rush of shock whistling past your ears.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Things Are...

I think that one day I will look back on this and feel regret. I now know what it is to regret. Three years ago I had nothing to regret but bad fashion choices and hideous crushes. Now I have whole months of regret. And I'm not sure what's worse. To live without regret, rushing into decisions with eyes closed? Or to learn from mistakes, ever cautious?

Tomorrow I will fail.

And I don't care.

Initially my stomach might coil. I might freak out for a moment. But once it's over the numbness will pull me under. And all I will have left is worry... the worry that you will be disappointed in me.

And you will. You who turns everything into gold. You who has excuses for their mistakes. You who think you understand. You who never took the plunge yourself. You who love me most, you will all be disappointed.

I'm sorry. But it's too late. I won't change. I've been this way too long, my bones have set and the hour is nearing midnight.

Perhaps one day you will know what is I really want. Who it is I really am. I am the girl who takes the steps instead of the escalator. I am the girl with the rumpled dress. I have only one dream, so fragile and impossible that I must protect it with everything, no matter how many lies I have to tell.

Things are what you make of them. I wouldn't change this. I wouldn't. I'm not smart. I'm not ambitious. I'm not determined. I'm not kind. I'm not brave.

I don't deserve to be the one representing you. Wherever you are. But things are what you make of them and maybe that's your decision to make.

This was my decision.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Squee-age (New Moon Related Of Course)

So it's been a while since I posted some Twilight love. And with the trailer being aired for the first time at the MTV awards tonight (in like an hour if I'm not mistaken) and then tomorrow night in the UK (um, boo!) I thought it was really about time.

Okay, first thing to squee over, this 15 seconds of New Moon:

Actually, if I'm being honest this is kinda rubbish. What was with Kirsten and her whole quirky eyebrow action? And um KISS ME? Desperate no?

Next squee: do you remember that sailor dude from Sweeney Todd? The really cute one who kept singing about Joanna? Yeah, this guy...
Well he just happens to be playing Caius! MMMMmmmm more Twilight eye candy to join Emmett!
And, in case you were wondering, I do like the poster... BUT I don't like Taylor's short hair. Jake in my head just always has long hair. I know he cuts it. So sue me.

Personally I'm quite partial to this Fanmade effort. Very nice. Some of the shots I've seen of the filming in Italy... wow. Got me very excited.

Yes, so I'll be taping the MTV Movie awards tomorrow night. I'll let you know my thoughts on the trailer.