Sunday, September 28, 2008

Dormant

Today I made a startling discovery. When I, or anyone else, argues with my brother, it terrifies me. Even typing this is making me hypervhentilate. I argued with my brother (about football, it was totally trivial) before and suddenly I found my throat closing up and my eyes starting to fill up with tears. It wasn't even a proper argument, just football banter. Even now, tears are flowing down my face and I just can't explain why.

My family are kind of fucked up. I don't really talk about it much because... its none of anyone's business. I'm only telling you now while I try to make sense of my strange behaviour.

I suppose the reason it scares me so much is that... well, Rob doesn't hold back in arguments. He can get very aggressive and cruel. And my Mother isn't known to back down very often. So they can argue till kingdom come and I hate it when they do. I suppose I'm not very confrontational. And now it scares me whenever Rob argues because sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, he changes before my eyes.

In my heart I know that my big brother would never, ever knowingly hurt me. But this other person is cruel and mean and frightening. I think I'm scared that the next time he changes he might not change back into the brother I know and love.

I wouldn't tell you this normally. It's all a part of me trying to tell everyone about the real things. It's pretty tough, but I'm trying.

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