Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Setbacks

So I was supposed to be in lecture now. But of course, my psychology lecture got moved to yesterday and because I’m combined studies I didn’t get the message. So I’ve already missed a lecture and I feel like I might cry. I can’t really explain to you how important this year is. I feel as though my world will end if I don’t finish Uni with a 2.1

It’s been a tough couple of years and to finish it with lower than a 2.1 would feel like… I’d wasted three of the best years of my life. Melodramatic? Maybe, but it’s how I feel.

So my perfect year is already ruined. I’m so upset. It wasn’t even my fault. I got up at 6:30 am to make it to this stupid lecture. I feel so gutted. I suppose it doesn’t help that my jeans are damp and I’ve got over another hour until my next lecture.

I’m sorry for complaining like this. I wasn’t looking forward to this week and setbacks like this just remind me of last year and all the shit I went through then. I guess the point now is to not allow this to stop me. And I won’t.

It’s just really fucking annoying.

But screw Psychology, I won’t let anyone stop me from getting my 2.1!

Monday, September 29, 2008

But if there's a glitch, you're an ostrich...

I have early morning class tomorrow, so I'll keep it short. My new class was okay. Mikey wasn't there so now I have to kill him. I'm rather sleepy.

I've made two wrapper bracelets so far and I'm rather proud of them:

What do you think? Cute, aren't they?!

Night night xxx

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Dormant

Today I made a startling discovery. When I, or anyone else, argues with my brother, it terrifies me. Even typing this is making me hypervhentilate. I argued with my brother (about football, it was totally trivial) before and suddenly I found my throat closing up and my eyes starting to fill up with tears. It wasn't even a proper argument, just football banter. Even now, tears are flowing down my face and I just can't explain why.

My family are kind of fucked up. I don't really talk about it much because... its none of anyone's business. I'm only telling you now while I try to make sense of my strange behaviour.

I suppose the reason it scares me so much is that... well, Rob doesn't hold back in arguments. He can get very aggressive and cruel. And my Mother isn't known to back down very often. So they can argue till kingdom come and I hate it when they do. I suppose I'm not very confrontational. And now it scares me whenever Rob argues because sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, he changes before my eyes.

In my heart I know that my big brother would never, ever knowingly hurt me. But this other person is cruel and mean and frightening. I think I'm scared that the next time he changes he might not change back into the brother I know and love.

I wouldn't tell you this normally. It's all a part of me trying to tell everyone about the real things. It's pretty tough, but I'm trying.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Paper Planes

So 'Pineapple Express' was awesome. Which was doubly awesome since I wasn't expecting such awesomeness.

Now I am oddly relaxed.

Every time Vic mentions leaving next Monday, it feels like someone's punctured my stomach. Isn't that strange? I couldn't really explain to Toni today why watching the match on Wednesday seemed so important. It's just something that we always do. Vic always comes over for the match.

I wonder how I will feel when she's not there anymore.

Me and Vic talk about a lot. A lot. But I'm not sure how to say that I'll miss her. I've never really had to say it to anyone before. Every time I think about it seems kind of pathetic. Or maybe I'm just being too proud. I don't know. I'm talking myself in circles. I've been thinking myself in circles about it since December.

Have your Parents ever told you a really depressing story about how they lost touch with a really good friend? It's one of the scariest things they can tell you when you're fifteen and you think that you and your mates will be friends forever. But isn't that possible? I want to think that there are... five people I'll be friends with forever. If I'm being naiive, just don't tell me. I can't handle that right now.

I have to keep my head. You remember April when everything just kind of went off the rails? I know that that happened because of an all too frightening reality check. So no reality checks, okay? I don't want another reality check, the last one was way too scary.

I have songs that remind me of everyone. You don't know it, but when I miss you too much, I listen to yours. Yep, if you're reading this I'm sure you must have a song. If you want a clue about yours, just look on my Top 100 most played. You might even figure out just how much I miss you by checking out the play count.

I'm pretty sure this next week is gonna be tough and not just for me. So if things get kinda weird around here, just bear with me. I promise, we'll resume scheduled programming when I feel like myself again.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Honestly Karen, You Think I'd Do this For Free?

Aren't some days just so unexpectedly amazing?

So the intention was to go into Uni today to get some Preliminary reading for my lecture on Monday (Dr. Jerram! Scary!). But I was sleepy and couldn't be bothered. Finally I woke up at half ten, yelled at myself a little bit and got my ass out of bed. I was going.

It was pretty damn hot today. And Oxford Road resembled some sort of stampede, there were just people everywhere! I showed off my incredible dodging skills and made it to the library in record time... where I ran into Mikey!

He was stood outside waiting to give a library tour. Dearest Mikey is the sort of person who knows how to properly use the library. After he accompanied me to grab some books and scolded me over the Paris class fiasco yet again, he insisted that I join him and three adorable freshers (Jason, Lucy and Andy, don't forget that we bonded over proper library conduct!) on a library tour. It was actually highly informative. Mikey taught us all how to use a self-service machine (I was pretty scared of those) and found out that there's a wing of the library in Mansfield Cooper building. Wow, it was fascinating!

I promised Craft Night Reviews didn't I? So, here are some illuminating photo photos:

Ah, Vic and her bowl. She grew rather attached to it and wouldn't release it all night.

I only got this one picture of Mark, even though he did the most crafts. So, just to prove he was there.

Call me crazy, but I think Toni is feeling her own boob here?!

There's a story behind this one and Skinny specially requested that I blog about this. Whilst Skinny was rifling through Toni's bag of postcards she randomly pulled out a £10 note. This was especially ironic since it was only last week that Toni was scraping together pennies for biscuits whilst waiting for payday.

My bracelet went very well and I've actually finished one! But they deserve a post of their own.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

You Are Free (To Do What We Tell You)

I know that every once in a while I go on a rant. I'm a rant-orientated person. Basically because a lot of stuff pisses me off. So if you don't like it, fuck off about now.

You've been warned.

I guess my ranting side came out when someone told me that I couldn't listen to the music I love. I think I might have actually blogged about it, back in the day. At the time I was young and naiive and I actually started to wonder whether my music was evil. Now I know the truth: censorship and everyone who tries to shove it down your throat, that's what's really evil.

You know who you are. You made me sick to my stomach that night. I hope you lose sleep over it.

So I'm a music nazi. Everyone keeps telling me this as if they think I don't already know. Yeah, like Hitler didn't know he had a hatred for jews. Whatever.

I don't want to start some kind of war here or irritate anyone or whatever. I just generally don't like musicals. I wasn't informed beforehand, but now that's a crime. Did you know? Well, now you do. And so do I. But the truth is, I actually do like musicals, but only good ones (or ones with some actual musical credibility. Oh, and Moulin Rouge doesn't suck, I'm just angry that they ruined 'Diamond Dogs').

As for the everything else, I just wish people would think a little bit more before they speak. I'm a massive supporter of honesty, but it seems that some people have mistaken honesty for cruelty. Everyone has a weak spot, everyone, and some people's are obvious and others aren't. IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER! You can never, ever consider yourself someone's friend if you knowingly target their weak spot!

You're pathetic. Grow up.

(This rant was written with the aid of Kinesis R.I.P)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Feel Sympathy For Troy... I Mean Trev

How has my blogging suddenly become so... nonexistent? It's not even like I'm that busy. I mean, I am busy, but I still have time for you. This is my way of not-apologising-for-but-acknowledging-my-lack-of-blogging. So lets move on.



My hair is wet which I must say is a welcome relief. It's been filthy for two days now but I just haven't had the drive to wash it since I've only been stuck at work. So now it is clean again and my feet still hurt and I'm dreaming about plating up carrots and strangling chefs.

On Saturday Toni and I ventured into Manchester to sort out... well, everything basically. Turns out we could have done it all at home with the assistance of a computer, but no matter. We had lunch at Gemini and I devoured the best lasagne and chips to ever exist. It was worth it all for that. Plus we caught the Metroshuttle which was like being deflowered in the best possible way. All these times I've been catching packed trains from Salford Crescent when I could have hopped on that free bus (and enjoyed one of the most beautiful journeys through Manchester) and caught a less full one from Victoria!

I expect a full year of Metroshuttle journeys. I can't wait.

Something incredible happened on Saturday. I, being the ditz that I am, left my wallet at the first place we stopped (which, fortunately, happened to be the deserted corridor of the Combined Studies dept). Of course, I only discovered this about an hour later when Toni and I reached Gemini. Thus the frantic search for Karen's Wallet ensued! And it twas nowhere to be found. In fact, I'd just become resigned to the fact that it was gone, gone forever, when...

... a super nice stranger told me they'd handed it in at the library. And a mere ten minutes later it was returned to me by two nice security dudes perfectly intact (Frank Turner tickets and sixty quid still there)!

I must be the luckiest girl in the world. Kind stranger, I send you many good thoughts. You are a rose amongst thorns!

I'm a massive believer in Karma. What good could I have done to earn such a good turn? Ages ago Toni and I were at a HSBC in the city and a dude left his card in the machine. I retrieved it and made Toni hand it in to the bank. Perhaps that was it? Or maybe I have to do something good in turn to be deserving of this good fortune and therefore balance everything out again?

What good turn do you think I should do? It should probably be before the month is up, I reckon.

Skinny just popped in for a lovely if unexpected visit. I am so relieved that I can still go watch Subways with her. It really isn't far away now, I might have to book my train tickets soon. Its nice when you can still make everyone happy.

Now I'm listening to Led Zeppelin to make Dad happy. I feel like I have a lot more to tell you... Vic came home. She got me the most awesome t-shirt and treated me to a slew of strange tales about the US of A. I'm glad she had fun, but now it seems like she leaves us so soon. I'm doing my best to book some time with her before she goes but it seems everyone else is thinking the same way. Damn them, heh heh!

Dan seems to be happy enough at Uni. His texts make me smile but I also have one of those nagging fears that he's turning into one of those 'Uni Guys' with their stupid Oxford t-shirts and annoying laughs. It's a difficult concept to explain. I must, for now, assure myself that Dan could never change no matter what.

Almost everyone is back at Uni and seemingly very happy. Alee is pursuing someone (I must tell you this since Alee will never bother to herself) and Cal has thrown himself (rather literally) into seminar plans. I'm sure his seminars will be both stimulating and enriching in all the appropriate academic ways.

Skinny informed me she's back off to Keele tomorrow and I confess this has made me rather sad. She's been a good friend to me this summer and proved herself to be just as zany as I remembered. Still, next summer we'll have even more fun (Leeds-orientated fun).

Tonight I'm attempting to make this:
I'll let you know how successful I am in the next couple of days.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Baking Is A Science

So yesterday was the first magic wednesday and we'd all agreed to have a bash at baking! Now I watch a lot of cooking programmes and I know that baking is not as easy as they make it look. So I was a little apprehensive, to be honest. Skinny and I headed into Tesco armed with ingredients lists and it took us nearly a half hour just to find the damn baking soda! Plus we got rather distracted by Cathcart (whom we met in the kitchenware isle and I just had to know how the exclusive Metallica gig she went to was) and Kirsty (who spotted us and then headed back to Toni's crib to hang with us on her break.

Actually, the baking was a lot of fun. I managed to make some peanut butter cookies which turned out a little bit too crumbly but Rob has polished off my entire tubful in one day so at least someone liked them. Plus Mark made some very delicious Shortbread and Skinny was so very close to making perfect fairy cakes.
And I got a gift!

Toni made me this adorable cosmetics bag which I'm currently using as a case for 'Wicked Lovely' by Melissa Marr to keep it from getting all scuffed up in my backpack tomorrow!

And then today I got my student loan notification! Woo! Its starting to hit home how soon I'll be going back to Uni now and I'm scared and excited!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Awesome

The weird thing is, on Sunday night I had a dream about someone offering to take me out for the day, their treat. Today it actually happened.

I met Alee at what used to be Cafe Nirvana when I went there one night with a mate from work, Tom. We ended up hanging out with Alee whilst Tom got drunk and kept buying us ice pops. Sometimes its the strangest scenarios that lead to you being friends with someone. I gave Toni a burger and nine years later we're still friends. Alee and I bonded over her drunken friend (he's cute as hell but completely gay. A bit like Alee herself, heh heh!).

So, when Al' offered to take me to Liverpool for the day with her, of course I jumped at the offer. It was thoroughly awesome, especially beating Alee's flatmates Paul and Sam at Mario Kart Wii. They underestimated me. Twas their undoing!

Tomorrow its baking day which promises to be highly entertaining since none of us can bake. Huh, maybe not our best idea. We shall see!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Cruel To Be Kind

My friend Danny has been gone a day. And already I want him back.

Needless to say, he isn't happy. And I am possibly one of the few people who can understand exactly how he feels. I know what it's like, sat in that little cinderblock prison and asking yourself 'what now?'

I'm so worried. But I know what I must do. 99% of me wants to tell him to come home and I'll even go and get him myself. But the 1% that is rational and wise knows that I can't. I wussed out and so often I regret it. And at the time, I had friends who were telling me the same, stick with it, just give it a little longer, it'll get better I know it. I didn't listen to them. I hope Dan listens to me.

Lately I've been learning that good friends don't always agree with you, they don't always tell you what you want to hear. A good friend tells it like it is, they tell you what you need to hear. And that's rather difficult to do, as it turns out.

So I can do a lot for Dan (text him aplenty, go visit in a couple of weeks, send him letters and care packages) but I mustn't, mustn't, mustn't let him give up. Because Dan is my friend and I don't want him to end up like me.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Zane Lowe Rocks

Yours truly just got a shout out from ZANE LOWE on Radio 1! Best 18p I ever spent!
(I recorded it, in case you don't believe me!!!)

Yeah, welcome to my bedroom wherest I am currently listening to Radio 1 and waiting for Frank Turner's live session. Anyone who knows me must by now be aware of my intense adoration for Frank. He is a modern day William Blake, a poetic observationalist commenting on our generation's trends and decisions. His music is completely relevent for anyone in 18-30 years old.

Listen to him or live without pure music enlightenment.

Tomorrow the fantastic 4 (nix Vic) is off to see our dear mate Danny before he leaves us forever (a.k.a. until Christmas). I am determined that we shall have fun, for Dan's sake. Besides, the prospect of tomorrow was all that got me through work yesterday. Oh, and Kylie as well. And Radio 1.

A little Kitten had washed up on my front stoop...

Monday, September 08, 2008

Old Gregg

Skinny invited me along to Blackpool on Sunday to see the illuminations. I suppose I was trepidatious about this day, but only because my recent moods have been so unpredictable and I didn't want to upset my dear friend. But in the end, I needn't have worried. A fun time was had by all.
There's something so shamelessly tacky about Blackpool and that's why I like it so much. It's exactly what it advertises itself as. I think the excitement of being at the seaside is something that never leaves you no matter how old you get. It's the seagulls and the salty air and the arcades and fun fairs. The candyfloss and fish and chips and sticks of rock. Its something so inherently British.


I got to see Caitlin again and she's gotten so big and so clever and so beautiful (she was all these things before). Its amazing just how much like Catt and Harry she is! She constantly reminds me of the two of them with the littlest gestures! It also amazes me just how good Catt and Harry are as parents, not that I didn't expect them to be. I have so much respect for the two of them, they're so responsible and mature and yet they're still both so fun and young and vibrant. I can only hope that one day I'll make as good a parent as they do.

So there were arcades and rides and junk food, but the best part of the day was indefinitely driving through the illuminations with my good pal Skinny. We blasted Disney songs and bantered pleasantly over the lights (and Harry delivered us fresh donuts which Skinny devoured with a devious grin).

I really love road trips. I suppose they are the only times I wish I could drive. But Skinny is good enough at that for the two of us. I love service stations and fields full of cows and sheep. I even love Sat Navs, though they don't love me.

I don't love Mighty Boosh. Skinny and Harry had ample time to convince me and they failed (thanks Catt for backing me up!). I do love my friends, though, and that I was convinced of within moments.
It's strange how you don't realise how much you needed something. How could I have failed to notice that I was craving the company of my friends? A carefree day out? The seaside?

Saturday, September 06, 2008

hugglez

This was on last weekends sunday secrets (Postsecret). When I read it, it made me cry. I guess people never realise just how important such simple gestures can be. You say something, or do something that doesn't seem important to you, but it affects someone else so profoundly.

We should all give more hugs and more kind words. One day, they could save someone.

Hot Water

I am a weak girl. I won't go into details. It's like when you promise yourself that you won't, won't, won't do something... but then you just have to. And I mean have to.

Someone slap me on the hand, I beg thee. It's not like there's anyone or anything to stop me doing this (apart from that little voice in the back of my head that tells me it's a baaaaaad idea).

I'm so going to hell. Kidding.

Karen's Breaking Dawn Review (SPOILERS!!!!!)

For all my twilight buddies (Edward forever!), here are my thoughts on Breaking Dawn. I'd been told by Vic that there had been some disappointment over the final installment, especially over in the States. As soon as I cracked open the book, I couldn't understand why. The first book was awesome. The wedding made me go all gooey inside ("What do vampires do on their stag night?", heh heh) and the sex was tastefully handled (biting pillows!). I won't lie, the nudger totally freaked me out. Totally. Like gave me nightmares, freaky. But it was a good idea.

Jacob's book started dully. Jacob is just way too... whiny for me. Insight into the mind of the pack was fascinating, though. And it quickly picked up. The way the vampires and the wolves bonded properly and the split of the pack... genius. Even more genius, the twist right at the end of the book. Totally disgusting? The birth. Ick, ick, ickety, ick, ick, ick! When Edward read the mind of the baby and told Bella how much it loved her... geez, I full-on teared up.

And finally, Bella's last book. I was so surprised and pleased when the baby turned out to be a girl. Of course Bella and Edward had to end up together, but Ms. Meyer made it so that that was the only thing predictable about the book. Renesmee was instantly charming and delightful and Bella's instant love for her wove through the words, invisible yet tangible as the wind. It wasn't long until you loved her too, little freak that she is.

Really, everything was great, impeccably written and beautifully emotive and tastefully accomplished. The other vampires were well described and introduced (especially considering how short a space she had to achieve this) and the twists and turns of the plot, it was like being on a runaway train!

I honestly believe this was a great final installment to an epic series of books. I won't lie, I was a little disappointed with the ending. It wasn't an easy path to a peaceful resolution, but it did seem a little... cautious. Still, overall I was very happy with the book. It wasn't predictable or corny or sappy in the slightest. I loved Renesmee and the new vampires were totally awesome (especially Kate and Eleazar). There were more parts than I can count that warmed my heart.

I'd give it 9/10. And that's pretty damn good.
As for the whole Midnight Sun saga, I'm seriously disappointed. But not with Stephenie, with whatever fuckwit leaked the damn thing. Geez, do people hold nothing sacred anymore?

Friday, September 05, 2008

Princes

Aishak*! There is something so special about Princes. Something that can keep me awake until 2:30 am! Declaring a boy to be a Prince elevates them to some insurmountable perfection and I'm not quite sure why.

Prince Blaine. It has quite a ring to it, doesn't it? Prince Link.... SQUEE!

Ahem. So I've created a Prince. And now he's keeping me awake. Because he WON'T SHUT UP! Honestly, Rome wasn't built in a day I tell him. He doesn't care. He will wait no longer for his happy ending. Oh, but how dull happy endings are?! The hope of a happy ending is so much more entertaining than the happy ending itself! (By the way, we all know what a happy ending really entails, don't we? You know, when Cinderella and the Prince ride away on their honeymoon and then... you didn't realise that? Oh.)

What is even better than a Prince? A clueless Prince! A jealous Prince (um, SQUEE!)! A vampire Prince (seriously, squee overload).

But best of all is a torn Prince. A Prince whose heart is seemingly irrevocably broken. Ah yes, my little Prince is scarred deep inside. He's in love with a girl who's days are numbered (she's not got a terminal illness though, that's too passe). And now I get to have fun and throw them into deliciously awkward situations and brew the sexual tension like a long-simmering potion in my big black cauldron that's just threatening to explode, one of these days....

Oh, how I love a Prince!


*Made up word

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

If I Was A Flower Growing Wild And Free All I'd Want Is You To Be My Sweet Honey Bee

Blogs are funny things, aren't they? Mine has somehow mutated into my mouthpiece for honesty. Scary. Time to return to my inane life, I think.

I'm trying to keep myself busy. Today has been iTunes day. Now that most of my music has been imported onto Lucia (my darling new laptop), it's time to make PLAYLISTS. I happen to adore playlists and try to have one for every mood. Plus each of my stories have a playlist since music shapes every thing I write. E.g. right now I'm listening to 'Little Bear' by the Guillemots, thus I feel very peaceful and quiet enough so that even birds wouldn't be startled by my presence. That's honestly the only way I can explain it. It's as though Fyfe is singing an infant Princess to sleep. So beautiful.

If you were to had to make a playlist of up to ten songs that were about you, which would you pick? It's a tougher question than you might think. I mean, I have over 4000 beloved songs on my iPod, how could it be considered simple to narrow it down to ten songs that epitomise me?

It's not, is your answer. But I'll try.

Karen's Playlist of Karen

1. 'Life Ain't So Shitty' by Blind Melon - I'm all about reality checks. Things can get pretty bad in life, but I like to think that they can never get that bad. Someone else always has it worse than you. There's at least someone who will always envy you. Be grateful for that.

2. 'Photosynthesis' by Frank Turner - Frank and I are definitely cut from the same cloth. I am so sick of everyone acting as though my life is set in stone from now on. Everyone around me is growing up and fair play to them, but I don't want that. Not yet anyway. Hopefully I'll have the guts to risk it all, just like Frank is.

3. 'Karen' by Reuben (written by VEX RED) - Not just because of the name, but because this song is about a girl who has potential but no self-discipline. She wields power, but feels powerless. She knows who she is, but is too terrified to admit it. I adore this song.

4. 'Freak' by Silverchair - Kind of self-explanatory. Some things just don't change, do they? :)

5. 'Drag' by Placebo - I thought this song used to be about some guy I liked, but now I'm certain it's about someone so much more special than that. Someone close to my heart and the way we've become. Strange, that.

6. 'Twenty One' by Mystery Jets - "The boy don't look a day over twenty-one, but you already feel like half your life is gone, And you're close to the edge but you're hanging on, Well do yourself a favour don't do yourself any harm."

7. 'Bowl of Oranges' by Bright Eyes - There's a lot of me in Bright Eyes. If you ever need to find me, look there. And remember, your eyes must do some rainin' if you're ever gonna grow.

8. 'Cosmopolitan' by Nine Black Alps - The world is cruel and it's criticism is like a knife. It can either stab you through the heart, or you can grab hold of it and use it to carve you into someone better, someone you love enough to not care what anyone else says to you.

9. 'Tea' by Brendan Benson - I really love tea.

10. 'Pistola' by Incubus - In case you didn't know already, this song is my namesake. I am Silverpistola. Because my pen is a Pistola, and I don't need to fear you.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Love Not Lies

He was the most beautiful boy I'd ever spoken to. His eyes were blue as ice and he frowned a lot. He liked to talk a lot and would email me with the most bizarre questions he could think up.

He made me feel special. He made me feel interesting.

I hoped I could fix him, smooth over the cracks in his cool demeanor. Underneath that frown lurked a wealth of dark, bubbling hatred just waiting to boil over. He wanted to fix me too. I didn't talk to them. Neither did he. We talked to one another.

'Keep me a secret,' he asked, 'keep me safe. I only want you, not what comes with you.'

I nodded. I would have given him the whole world. He got angry sometimes and I knew just how to make him smile. He hated my job, I hated his habit. He gave me music and green and hope. I wanted to give him everything. Would he have taken it? I suppose he was tempted. Looking back now, I realise that it wasn't just me who wasn't ready.

He taught me where the kids were at. What I was missing out on. I taught him that I didn't need it.

Everything spiralled and I threatened to split in two, my personality coming apart at the seams. I was suddenly scared. I grasped, reaching out for something, anything. But my life raft pulled me away from him. I could never be safe near him.

We're friends now. Friends who don't touch. We don't hug, we don't kiss. We sit with safe distance between. Like a few hundred miles.

We're closer than ever.