Monday, August 25, 2008

Reasons Not To Be An Idiot

Everyone is worried about me.

Number of texts since Leeds: 7
Number of worried emails: 2
Number of phone calls from Mike: Too many

I suppose I'm worried about me too. I'm just a bit numb. Like I don't want to think about anything, I just want to submerge myself into something that is totally consuming. I've talked with my Mum (it helped), I've talked with Mikey (it helped), I've talked with Vic (it hurt) and I've talked with Toni (it made me laugh, which, right then, I considered to be impossible). Also, whilst I was away, Markio posted on Toni's blog that he thought of me as a best friend. That made me very happy.

I have good friends. I am very, very blessed. I'm not very good at telling them what I'm thinking or feeling. And this can hurt everyone a little bit. But I'm not half bad at expressing myself in words. Maybe no one will read this, but it will be here.

I've had a great time at Leeds, musically it was top notch. Nothing could ever take that away from me. I'd built this Leeds up in my head. Vic was coming and I'd finally get to hang out with her, just some us time, before she goes away. And Kyle was coming for a day too and Kyle is a lot of fun, a person I can effortlessly get along with. It was going to be awesome.

But stuff happened and it wasn't. The disappointment felt like a weight inside of me. Time was slipping away, but I was just too frightened to tell anyone that I wasn't happy, I wasn't enjoying myself. I got angry at all the wrong people. I silently seethed. I couldn't open my mouth. I just couldn't. My jaw wires itself shut and I think of all the times I've spoken and regretted it.

I can't explain just exactly why I find it so hard to talk to you guys. The closer all of us get, the more I realise that you're all opening up to me and I'm not returning the favour. I'm trying, I promise. It sounds crazy, but it's easier to open up to people I'm not close too, I don't care if they judge me. I want to be the best I can for all my friends. I don't want you to see my cracks and weaknesses.

Standing there crying during the Killers set, being surrounded by people on such a high and feeling so low myself, it was one of the strangest experiences of my life. I wasn't upset with anyone but myself. Leeds is my sanctuary, my home away from home. I want everyone who goes to love it like Toni and I do. It's more than just a festival. Images of every precious Leeds memory I have flashed before my eyes, truly some of the best moments of my life. I had taken all those potential moments from one of the people I cared most about. I was a thief, of the very worst kind.

To think that I'd ruined something so sacred to me for someone else, it made me feel sick, devastated, truly, truly awful. That's what I wanted to say. But I'm not very good at talking.

I wanted everything to be perfect. And I'm pretty sure I ruined it all single-handedly. I'm sorry.

(To my dear friends, Cal, thanks for your distracting attempts, Mikey, thanks for worrying, Vic, thanks for putting up with me, Toni, thanks for saying the right things and Ste and Cathcart, thanks for being there, you kept me from wallowing.)


Anonymous said...

You have now just worried me. If you don't want to tell me what's wrong then I won't ask you to, just let me know if you're ok.

I must admit that part of me is glad you enjoyed WAS at Keele more than at Leeds. It keeps the memory much more special for me and our gig came complete with a brew and biscuits at Jude's block.

We need to do something fun soon. Let me know when you're free. xxx

augusta_avenue said...

Dearest, oh you're the nearest thing to my heart.

Of course I will distract you. I hate you being upset because you punish yourself like no one else I know.

Please smile :) Don't fake this one.

VAI2008 said...

Oi!! Now I think it's your turn:

'Dude, you didn't ruin anyone's weekend! Now stop saying you did!'