Thursday, August 07, 2008

fan service

today i will tell you a story about your favourite blogger. i suppose you don't know it (whoever you are? someone must be reading this for my words to exist in sound. did that not make any sense? well, it is 2am.) but a few months ago kitten got very depressed. so we decided that i would take her to london. in the end, she could not go but i sent her a story of what london would be like.

it made her very happy.

when kitten came to london for a weekend with her friend cal

You are downstairs watching Match of the Day with Lou. Lou is very pleased about this and the two of you are shouting rather interesting things (I'm assuming you're shouting at the telly and not at each other. at least, I hope so). So I am taking this opportunity to email you and tell you about our first day on our excursion.

I was late picking you up. I'm sorry. You were still half asleep but had minty fresh breath. I appreciated your excitement over my iPod car stereo. I did not appreciate you insisting upon playing Martin Grech. Thank god you fell asleep or I might have slit my wrists. You were surprised that it is a four hour drive to London. And you slept through my noisy SAT NAV.

About two hours into the journey you awoke and asked if you could change the voice on my SAT NAV. I said no. We sung along to new Mystery Jets and argued about the best song on the album. I'm sorry, it IS Flakes.

We stopped at Corley services and bought extortionately priced sandwiches. You got very happy when you saw they had crunchy M&Ms in the shop. We bought some of those too. You wanted to eat outside but it was raining, so we ate near the window and then got back in the car.

Two hours later (with a total of nearly five hours on the road) we reached my house at half past two and were surprised to find it was not empty, as I had suspected. Lou came out into the rain to help you with your suitcase (he did not help me even though I had more stuff). You were happy because you had never met Lou before and he said you had the nicest shoes he'd ever seen.

Alice and Dom were in the living room eating cold pizza. Alice also liked your shoes. There was some awkwardness as I left you to put your stuff in my room. I've changed the sheets for you, I hope you notice tonight when you go to sleep.

My friends seemed to like you. We played some Wii sports (you suck at tennis but rock at bowling. I am the baseball champion) and Lou ordered indian (hurray!). You were shocked by the state of our kitchen, for some reason. I must remember to ask you about that.


When I woke up at tenish this mornning, you were in my kitchen cleaning. This disturbed me. I blame Alice for telling you were the Spar was so that you could go buy cleaning supplies. Now our whole kitchen smells clean and disinfected. How strange. Alice, Lou and Dom all appreciated the new clean kitchen. Lou confessed that he wants to keep you. I told him you are not a rabbit and he told me you were a kitten.
Cleaning Kitten.

We ate breakfast together and I appreciated you buying a massive carton of milk so that I could enjoy some coco crunchies. How can you not like chocolate cereal? Everyone else was still asleep and you tiptoed around the bathroom. I turned on XFM. They all sleep like rocks anyway.

Since Sundays are dead, we decided to watch some films once you got your butt out the shower (just kidding, you weren't in that long). Just as Lou stumbled out of bed we decided to take a walk to blockbusters. It was cold outside and I stepped in a puddle that soaked through my chuck taylors. You were worried that my foot might drop off. I assured you it wouldn't.

We talked about the best kids films ever. I loved The Rescuers when I was a nipper, neither of us were really disney fans although you did confess to knowing all the words to all the songs in Peter Pan.

We rented Once from blockbuster because it won an oscar and neither of us had seen it. I wanted to get Atonement, but you refused so I refused to rent Wimbledon. We ended up with Pretty Persuasion because Evan Rachel Wood is hothotsex as Lovefoxxx would say. We returned to the house. My housemates were not impressed with our choices.

Alice painted your nails and Dom made bacon sandwiches for lunch whilst we watched Pretty Persuasion. It was naff and Evan scared us all with her weird hair and sexual deviancy. Unnatural. Alice clearly enjoyed having another girl in the house to complain about calories and split ends. She kissed your cheek and you actually blushed. Sweet cleaning kitten.

And thus our sunday progressed in this lacksadaisickle manner. It was excellent ness.

are you sad too, person-i-seem-to-believe-is-reading-this? i'll write you an imaginary trip to stay with me if you one day become my friend.

i really am very tired.

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