Sunday, June 29, 2008

Why...

Why...
...Are you bullshitting everyone like this?
...Don't you get in touch?
...Have you be come such a cruel, vile person?
...Are you leading me on?
...Do you never fucking shut up?
...Can't you see how fake you are?
...Are you so agonisingly perfect?
...Do I stay?
...Do I plow on?
...Do I love you?

These are all the questions I long to ask. I bite my tongue before they can tumble from my clumsy lips. Honesty isn't always the best policy.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Art Is Subjective

Toni totally stole my blog title, but I will forgive her since she brings me many muffins and she and her hubby give me many lifts.
Last night we went to Markie's art exhibit and I was honestly blown away! It's not that I didn't think Mark was talented, I consider him amongst the elite creative element of our group, but since I'd never really seen much of his work before I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm not very good at articulating my praise, but, put it this way, Mark is pretty damn good.

We saw one of Steph's older brothers there, the one who is the same age as me and Toni. He scares me a little bit not because I'm intimidated by how different he is but because he really is the only truly unpredictable person I know. There was a lot of art linked to Trains which I like because I find motion to be very inspirational.

It was raining cats and dogs. I love being in the car when it's raining. It's like being in a moving cocoon. I think it's the closest I'll ever get to the feeling of being in a submarine.

Oh, and in some excellent news, my two friends Cal and Lou got their degree results today! Cal informed me in a twenty second conversation at half past nine in the morning that he has got his 1st in geoscience and Lou has got a 2.1 in English Literature! Well done guys!!!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Pink Punch

It might sound boring to you, but today I sat at home and watched WIMBLEDON. It was awesome.

On Tuesday we hung out to celebrate Kyle's oldness. There was only six of us but oddly enough it still rocked. There was much excitement over the punch fountain that Toni and Kyle brought and I was mocked for not knowing what the hell pick up sticks was. What a great day - no sarcasm intended. My parents arrived home at midnight and my brother departed for Glastonbury at 2 am.

We got to hang out with Rob on Tuesday. I know I shouldn't get attached, but I'm actually starting to like him a bit. Not that I disliked him before. Well, not much. I guess Vic was right after all. Still, he'll never be a Kyle. Toni really couldn't have picked a better guy and I'm so glad that we all get along with him so well. Sometimes I envy them so much. Vic said a while ago that she thought Toni was the most unlucky person she knew and I told her that I couldn't disagree more. Sure, a lot of pretty bad stuff has happened to Toni, but I consider her pretty lucky to have so many people that love her and support her through it all. That is luck to me.

I'm still in love with Martin Grech's voice. He's like my original Broken Child - a lot like my Gabie but not as angelic.



Good luck to my excellent friend Cal for Friday - I have every faith in your nerdiness!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Sunday

I'm very much into scheduling my posts. When this appears on my blog, you can rest assured that right now I am happy. I'm happy because Friday and Saturday are over and I am free to enjoy my Sunday.

I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago and I just can't get enough of it. It might just be because it has Macauley Culkin in it. Macauley Culkin literally fascinates me. I imagine that he is a very interesting person. I watched 'Party Monster' which starrs him and Seth Green. The film was an experience and the whole way through I couldn't help marvelling at how beautiful he is. Not in a I-wanna-jump-your-bones kinda way. More like in a pure way. I think if I ever have a vision of an angel it will look like Macauley Culkin.

It's so creepy thinking that right now, I'm not here writing this. I'm probably still at work, or hopefully on my way home in the car with my brother who is driving way too fast. Or maybe I'm in the shower washing away an evening of Kitchen Porter fun.

Creepy.
Enjoy your Sunday.


Saturday, June 21, 2008

Out

Well, I won't lie, Canal Street was kind of a dive. We got there way too early so it was a couple of hours before anything kicked off. To be honest, we kind of showed up and everyone was sat having their tea and giving us weird looks. Kirsty's friends were very lively, but, of course, how exactly was I supposed to integrate myself amongst them? There was one really nice girl who I bonded with over cocktails - I had my first Sex on the Beach, needless to say it was DELISH - called Stacey. She was very pretty and kind of reminded me of Jessica Rabbit with all the long, strawberry blonde hair.

Kirsty's dress was very short. For someone with some serious image issues she sure was flaunting. She did look very nice, although she could have done something else with her hair. I think Kirsty majorly regrets cutting her hair. It's nice now but it used to be amazing, all long and shimmery blonde, a lot like a mermaid's. Everyone needs something in their appearance to set them apart from the crowd, something that they like about themselves and I think Kirsty cut hers off.

Mine? My long eyelashes, my fucking awesome hair and my lips. Those are the things I like most about myself.

I honestly think I looked good, but more in a lets go out to do something civilised rather than lets go out and get drunk. Speaking of, Kirsty's Mum got absolutely wasted and we had to take her home on the train. It was very surreal. We were on the last train and it was packed, but more with Def Leppard fans than with drunks, which was a relief as, it turns out, Def Leppard fans are very nice. There was this young couple sat across from me and they curled up together and went to sleep. It was so sweet.

I don't think I'm cut out for the whole night life thing. People just can't seem to understand that I just don't enjoy it. Case in point - I got home at midnight, fed my rabbit, watched the rest of Pride and Prejudice, phoned Mike and was asleep by 2am. You may call it dull, but I just don't give a shit. I'm happy with it. Give me a gig over a club any day of the week.

And, by the way, I am completely ADDICTED to David Bowie. The other day I had 'Let's Dance' in my head so I threw on some of my Dad's Bowie CDs and now I don't want to listen to anything else.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

You'll discover that casual friends kept notes in their pockets to remember your name

I am wondering.

The past couple of weeks has made me wonder if I really do like someone I consider a friend. They haven't done anything that would make me suddenly dislike them, I'm just not sure if I ever liked them in the first place. This might sound cruel and I assure you I've never used this person. The friendship is perfectly reciprocal. I've just realised something... I can't be myself around this person. Surely that should tell me something.

As much as I am in need of friends right now, my honest streak tells me that I'm lying to myself by trying to convince myself and everyone else that I like this person. The problem is... I can't break off this friendship. For the sake of anonymity, I can't explain why. I just can't. It would be like splitting up with someone right before exams. Cruel.

Perhaps I'm just overanalysing.

My birthday was interesting... In the end I was right not to get my hopes up. The day will not go down in History, to be honest. I was too pre-occupied worrying about Toni and trying to make sure everyone was having fun to actually have much myself. In the end, maybe the evening was too forced. In fact, the best part was when we were all sat around playing my bizarre, and oddly complicated, Friends trivia game. How silly.

Skinny came and was unbelievably sweet. It was a sweetness that I can't explain as it came in the form of many small gestures. I am so glad that we are friends again. She might be a flake, but she is a good friend and she is there when it matters. Vic officially scored the best birthday present by giving me a new LFC shirt with LUCAS on the back. It was a total suprise, which was, partly, what made it such a good gift.

However, I still haven't received my present from Toni yet. I'm excited about this gift. One of the best presents I ever got was from Skinny and Krista. It was a photo album with handwritten inscriptions next to each photo. The time and thought that had gone into it really touched me and I still look at it whenever I'm feeling a bit low.

So maybe no one did get me the Juno Poster but my presents were still very thoughtful and heartfelt. My new diary from Skinny, my fab Mario Galaxy poster from Markio, my Paris book from Mikey and my Archers and Peanut Chunkies from Dan. I have some amazing friends who give amazing presents.

Oh, and of course, the most awesome card ever from Lynda and Dave. It pwns!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Birthday Girl

I guess it's my twentieth birthday. Happy Birthday to me.
Rob thought it was yesterday. He came down in the morning and kissed my cheek and handed me a card. He was close enough and it was very thoughtful of him.

Twenty is no big deal, so I've done my absolute best not to make a big deal out of this birthday. I think my nineteenth was one of the best days of my whole life :D and I'm grateful enough for that. I'm keeping it low key this year - I just want to see some of my friends. The two things I really want - the Juno poster and the 'Once' soundtrack - I'm not gonna get anyway.

I just hope that Vic hasn't spent too much and Toni hasn't lost too much sleep for the sake of my gift. It's so cheesy, but the only thing I really want from them is to see them today. Vic has even made time in her hectic revision schedule for me, which means more to me than any gift.

I am lucky to have reached my twentieth birthday.
I am lucky to have been blessed with good people in my life.
Right now, I am happy.

I'm glad I didn't get my hopes up. I hate to be disappointed, especially on my birthday, and now there's really no chance of that. Whether everyone turns up tomorrow, or it's just me and Kirsty, I'll be happy.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

When Your Mind's Made Up

Manchester was great. Being out all day made this empty house much more bearable for the evening. As much as I enjoy being on my own, I hate it when you've no choice in the matter.

I had a beautiful Pimms and Lemonade. Pimms and Lemonade just tastes like summer to me now. Every season has a taste, a smell, a sight and a song that you associate with it.

Summer

Taste: Pimms and Lemonade

Smell:
Blossoms, the big white ones that converge on the trees
Sight: Seagulls. I love Seagulls.
Song: 'Chaos' by Mutemath

We went to the Art Gallery, which Toni seemed to enjoy immensely. She told me a lot of stories about Greek mythology. I like mythology a lot because everyone's emotions are so extreme. In mythology, there's no such thing as counting to ten, when you get pissed off you just kill someone. Or yourself. They don't do things by half.

I liked the art gallery, but the stroll through downtown Manchester was far more fascinating. Toni took me on a whistle stop tour of retro shops which was a lot of fun. I liked watching the people who walked past us, so bohemian, so dangerous yet beautiful. I dragged Toni into a record exchange and flicked through CDs until the covers blurred into a rainbow.

I finally bought 'Once' from Cex. I absolutely adore this film. It is so simple yet exquisite. It always seems to make me happy when I watch it. Films should make people happy. I hate sad films. Watch Once. Trust me, you will not regret it.



Fye is having a wash outside. I love watching him wash his face. He grabs his loppy ears between two paws and strokes them clean. It's adorable. When I write near the patio windows he always comes and sits nearest to me and we watch each other.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

25 Seconds of Honesty

- I will be twenty in 5 days
- My folks are going on Holiday tomorrow
- I'm going for "a talk" with Skinny tomorrow - on my initiative, of course - and I'm not looking forward to it.
- Martin Grech is singing me to sleep
- My soap smells like red licourice and I want to eat it
- I bought half of Kyle's birthday present but I don't think it's gonna arrive on time :(
- I'm still heartbroken over Reuben

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Time Is Coming....

... to publish a new multi-chaptered fanfic! Woo! Ah, how Zelda fanfic has gone awry! Some of the best writers have abandoned us. I don't consider myself anywhere near their class, but I'm not half bad. And it's been a year since The Project! A whole year! Can you believe that? I know I can't.

I've been working on something for a while and I really enjoy writing it. The problem is that, now I have no laptop, I have to use Rob's laptop for everything. Which means less leisurely writing time. *Sigh*

It really is time. I'll post something this week, promise.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Doormat

I've always thought of myself as a bitch.

It's the truth. I'm pretty much a no holds barred kind of person. I try to tell it like it is, at least when I think that's the best thing to do. So if you ask me, I won't bullshit you.

Does my hair looks good?
I preferred it yesterday.

Do I talk too much?
Yeah. You should do something about that.

Are you pissed off with me?
Yep.

See, I've known liars and I've been a liar myself and it just doesn't work for me. So I'm doing my best, every day, to be honest. Not in a throw it in your face kind of way, but in an ask and I'll tell you kinda way.

But now I'm not so sure if I really am a bitch. Lately, people just tell me I'm too nice. Craig told me I was too nice when I did the floor for him and Neil. Mike told me I was too nice when I burned him a disc. Are they right? Can you be too nice?

Yes. You can. How many chances should people get? How many times can you have your trust thrown back in your face? I'm not a very good judge of these things and that's why I always seem to get hurt.

Now, I don't try to figure out the answers myself. I consult my powers that be. What would Jim do? What would Evan do? Jim and Evan are the Angel and Devil on my shoulders - I'll leave it up to you to guess which is which, but they often switch - and you had better watch out because they now judge my life, my decisions, my family and my friends. But more than anything, they judge my enemies. They tell me whom I should not trust.

So I might once have given you endless chances. But Evan has judged you. He says:

- You don't know how much you hurt me
- You wouldn't care anyway
- You are a waste of my time and emotion
- You are a FUCKING BITCH
- I can do better than people like you
- You are poison
- You are not my friend

Still, it is Jim, who is much more merciful than Evan, that says I should give you one more chance.

Jesus was pretty good at forgiveness. And he sure as hell got hurt a lot because of it. But me? I'm not Jesus, not even close. And if you're not with me, you're against me.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Here Is a Snapshot

Here is a snapshot of where I am RIGHT NOW. I'm doing this to improve my descriptive skills, so I'm sorry if it's tremendously DULL.

I am sat on Rob's leather chair, which I hate because it is sticky and too hot. Rob's room is surprisingly tidy. He always clears it up just before he goes away for a couple of days. I think he likes the feeling of returning to order. The only thing out of place is my phone on his bed which I need to write a text to Danny.

Rob's room is awesome because it has this HUGE window and you can see the entire street! For example, as I look out the window I can see Lynda pegging out some washing. She is smiley and happy as ever. The sky is cloudy and dull and has already destined the day to be horribly dull. My next door neighbor has parked his car in front of his house and I would love nothing more than to graffiti all over it's pretty blue paint job in bright green sharpie - explanation:

Our neighbor drives me crazy. Last night, Fye was out in his run and I was cleaning out his hutch whilst listening to Reuben - sob. Suddenly, Fye stops running round like crazy and looks up. My neighbor is leaned out of his bedroom window watching us. He does this all the time! I'll be relaxing in the garden and suddenly his head will appear over the fence. Or I'll be playing Wii in the living room, still in my pajamas and I can see him looking into our house from his front garden!

I'll never get to say this to him in public, but for the sake of my sanity I have to say it somewhere.

Okay. Here goes:






FUCK OFF ALAN!

Ah. I feel so much better now. Oh wait, I was describing, wasn't I? Oh never mind. I'm better at describing in my stories than in real life because in stories I can make things more interesting.

I honestly did have something to blog about - I remembered whilst I was watching Cadet Kelly last night - but I've totally forgotten. Meh.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Do You Like Cadence?

I've wrote myself into my story!!! I'm doing a little cameo role which I just couldn't resist! I'm obviously not gonna have my own name, it's just gonna be a character very much based on myself. She's going to be Jacob's wife and therefore she must be pregnant *sigh*. I don't think I'll feature too much - Jacob is only a minor character after all - but I'll be in it all the same. I decided to name my self based character Cadence.
Hasn't he got bigger?! This is my bunny Fye. I realised I hadn't posted a picci since I got him. He hates cameras to be honest since the flash kinda freaks him out so it's almost impossible to get a good photo off him. As soon as he sees the camera he scarpers!
Other than that, there is little to report. Currently my days are spent playing muchos muchos Wii. Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn is hard and Mario Kart is too addicting. My birthday is in 11 days and I already have a present from my most lovely friend Mike. My folks enjoy staring at the gift bag and trying to figure out what he's got me - yeah, they're bored.
I shall blog much more interesting things soon, I promise!!!

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Broken Hearted

The worst has happened:

The band are not planning any more gigs or releases for the foreseeable future - I should make it clear that the band members are all on amicable terms and are supportive of the need to call a halt.This seems like a good time to thank everyone who has helped and encouraged Reuben along the way; some of you have been there from the start, others from last week, some are within the music industry, others are simply fans - it doesn't matter which, you are all important and have given great strength to all concerned.

My poor, bruised musical heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. How can this be??? And what the hell does all this mean? Tell me, someone, that this is not happening!!!
Seriously, I'm dying. This hurts more than the loss of any other band. And there have been some real greats. Yourcodenameis:Milo, Kinesis, Holiday Plan, Million Dead... the list just goes on. But not Reuben, they always seemed to carry on.

Thank God I got to say goodbye. This will be the best gig of my young life for a long, long time:


When I got Racecar is Racecar backwards, I listened to it non-stop on the college bus for months. Very Fast Very Dangerous sealed Reuben as my favourite band. And In Nothing We Trust only furthered my love.

I went into Wigan and bought the third album the day after Toni's Hen Party. I felt like shit and it was cold and rainy outside, but somehow I managed to catch the train into Wigan and find my way to HMV. I was so frantic to find it that a dude who worked there had to reassure me it was in the metal section.

I somehow made it home and put the CD on in my living room. The house was empty and a total shithole from the party the night before, but I just sat down at my table and listened to the album through.

It blew me away. It still does.

The last track brought tears to my eyes and I cried my heart out. No music has ever created such a visceral reaction within me. With the current state of things, no music will ever effect me so strongly ever again.

I love Reuben. This news is a blow to my spirit.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

You Saw Them Here First

I was the official photographer for Skinny's Birthday Party. In fact, now I've got my new digital camera - a.k.a. Freddie! - I intend to be the official photographer for many events to come. Here are a handful of the best pics:





The post it on Toni's head says 'Darth Vader' by the way
The teams strategising!

Look at Vic's face!!!