Saturday, August 20, 2005


Did you know that I adore the smell of chlorine? It is the most beautiful smell in the world. The magic power of chlorine can always calm my soul. And it's strange that I love that smell since I loathe swimming and the smell of chlorine triggers memories of many horrific swimming lessons. But I do love that smell and I'm ashamed to say that the smell of chlorine blasting out of a warm water vent as I passed by the swimming baths to reach the library has been a highlight of my week.

Gosh, that is pathetic.

Leeds festival is one week away. And I'm excited, don't get me wrong. But I have a suspicious feeling that this is gonna be one LONG week indeed.

Okay, let me start by telling you that Tuesday was one of the worst nights ever. There's no key event that made it suck, it just did. I hated every moment I was there. And a Tuesday night hasn't been like that since forever. Sure, I've had bad Tuesdays, but not hellish tuesdays.

Anyway, this made me come to the decision that church is a big no go for at least the next week. NO WAY IN HELL AM I GOING BACK.

Sorry about that. I'm just beginning to hate the place. And it frustrates me that I can't explain that to anyone. No one seems to be able to comprehend that I don't want to spend so much time at church. It depresses me.

But then I get depressed that so much of my life revolves around church.
So now I'm just depressed and I so desperately want to go back to college, more than anything.

And I miss James.

I'm sorry for being so down. Good news = I got good AS results, B in English, A's in History and Psychology and a C in Philosophy (2 MARKS OF A B!!!)

Top 10 smells:

1. Chlorine
2. Freshly washed sheets
3. The Moshpit
4. A Brand New Notebook
5. Sunday dinner
6. New CD
7. Petrol
8. Pantene shampoo
9. Rain
10. The Train Station

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I'm a pennyless student no more!

I thought I'd just blog to mention that I now have a job. I start on Sunday and I'm a wee bit nervous about it all. Still, it's money after all. And it's 2 weeks today until Leeds! Woot!

Top 10 reasons I'm infatuated with Dave McPherson, lead singer of InMe:
1. His growling essex accent
2. He's very shy and introverted, though not as much as he used to be
3. When he sings, he sounds so delicate and fragile, as though his soul is so anguished he could be crushed with a single blow
4. He's an awesome guitarist
5. The way his hair falls into his eyes
6. His boyish grin
7. He has a good sense of style
8. He is flawed (having a dishwasher, smoking, cutting his hair, swearing unecessarily, going to strip clubs etc.) but that makes him more real to me and sets me up for the fact that I will NEVER find someone who is perfect. It could be said that to love is to accept someone as they are, flaws and all.
9. Er, he's HOT!
10. He's sarcastic, just like my ideal life companion.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

White Oleander

I've just watched one of my all time favourite films, 'White Oleander'. This would explain why I am feeling so artistic. It is the sort of film that leaves you yearning to be misunderstood. That's the only way I can explain it. I am misunderstood, but only in the same way that everyone else is.

I laugh bitterly at this point. It's like that saying, 'you're unique, just like everybody else'. So true and yet I choose to ignore this fact, to act like a snob, believing I am cleverer and deeper than 80% of the population.

I thought this might be the perfect time to write about Norman. But maybe this is the worst time. I want to portray Norman in an accurate light and I'm not sure I'm capable of that right now. I'm too... tired.

Tonight was weird, kind of like I was watching myself from a distance. I did my second bought of powerpoint with the church media team and this time it didn't go so well. I messed up a lotta stuff and I was really mad at myself. So mad that cynical misery chick Kat somehow clawed her way to the surface, shown in my brief conversation with Karl:

"Thanks for helping us out. You did really well," Karl said in his slow drawl as he slowly pushed aside a couple of wires and fought his way out from behind the desk.
I took hold of my bag, swinging it from the blaring orange chair and onto my shoulder. I quickly composed myself and began to walk towards those double doors. It seemed as though I passed through them every day.
"Well, something tells me you'll be better off with Catherine. She's a lot more pedantic."
A strange unsisterly feeling momentarily took control of my mouth as I spoke cruel words I didn't mean.
"So good luck."
I could feel Karl's look of mild shock, as he fell into step beside me. I know that since he spends a large portion of his life in church and around church people, such negativity has become alien to him. His happy enthusiasm is genuine. Sometimes I envy him of that and sometimes I doubt that he was always so happy. But he is now and I am reminded of that by his response.
"Well, I do hope that you'll join the Sunday team. You impressed me tonight."
I almost snorted before replying.
"Then you impress easily."
I remember how the words sounded, and I am sure that it was like hearing the voice of my fifteen year old self. Timid and defensive. Afraid.
I pitied Karl. He obviously had no idea what the right response to that was. Unlike my friends and family who knew never to take my words at face value, Karl obviously felt like he owed me something.
"No, you did. You're focused and have a good attitude."
A good attitude. Huh, interesting.
"Well, I'll think about it."

I apologise for slipping into novel mode. Lately I've been wondering if I should write a novel of my life. Maybe then could begin to look at life through the eyes of others once I've learned how to look at life through my own eyes. Or maybe I'm just listening to too many sad songs and watching too many dark films.

And yet tonight I feel like I have given back something I myself was given. When I arrived at the train station I saw a girl from college who I don't really know that well. Her name is Sinead, I know because she's friends with Danny. Cut a long story short, she was being hassled by some weird guys. I promptly called my Dad and five minutes and a far few lies later we were outta there. We took her home and I could hear the relief in her voice as she thanked me.

Just like my voice when I thanked Matt a few months ago.

Top 10 Greatest Loved Films:

1. Donnie Darko
2. Jackass The Movie
3. Meet Joe Black
4. American Beauty
5. The Virgin Suicides
6. Saved!
7. White Oleander
8. Spirited Away
9. Jack and Sarah
10. Fly Away Home