Friday, December 30, 2005

Apple Pie on a Blanket in the Dark

You know lately I've been worrying about Uni. Now I've got my offer from Manchester I have to come to terms with the fact that from September 2006 I will be at University. But I'm not taking it lying down. I've been talking to Cal who has been advising me since he's already at Uni. We got together and compiled three lists:

1. Things to buy before Uni
2. Books to read before Uni
3. Goals to achieve before Uni

I'm so glad I have my nice big slab of apple pie with me right now. Oh hell, I can't believe it's only half eight.

Anyway, I'm not gonna do a Bridget Jones and make New Years Resolutions that I know will never happen. Instead I'm setting myself realistic goals for Uni. I have this incredible chance to really turn my life around at Uni and it's about time I start preparing.

Crimbo was okay.

Cal insisted that he liked his present. I wasn't wholly convinced, but I'm a cynic.

Top 10 searches on Google in 2005:

1. Janet Jackson (surely if you've seen one picture of Janet Jackson's nipple you've seen 'em all?)
2. Hurricane Katrina
3. Tsunami (look up Global Warming while you're at it)
4. X-Box 360
5. Brad Pitt (well at least dumping Jen got him something)
6. Michael Jackson (only number 6?!?)
7. American Idol
8. Britney Spears (just when you hoped she'd fucked off somewhere remote)
9. Angelina Jolie (you're no Jennifer!)
10. Harry Potter (deservedly)

Sorry

I meant to post this a couple of days ago. I wrote it when I couldn't get online -

It’s nearly 5 am. I’m not tired. I’m listening to music in only my right ear. Stupid headphones.

You will be my song. I swear, I will sort this out in 2006. I’ll work and go to Manchester Uni. I’ll grow up. I’ll do something to keep from hating me. I’ll change. I have to.


Top 10 apologies:

1. Mum – What I do would hurt you if you knew. I work to keep you blissfully ignorant.
2. Vicky – You’re so beautiful that sometimes I don’t recognize you. I’m sorry for the times I take you for granted.
3. Toni – You deserve everything the world has to offer. Sometimes I feel you are so far away and sometimes you’re right there next to me. I’m sorry I can’t share myself with you when you share so much with me.
4. Serena – I often think of you when I’m angry with myself. I don’t know you, but subconsciously I admired you for a long time. Maybe that’s why I took everything so personally. I think so. I hope not.
5. Cal – You believed for me. I swear I’m trying to believe myself.
6. Sarah – You are my teacher, my guide. I hope more than anything to prove myself to you.
7. Catherine – It’s your life. I should allow you that.
8. Malcolm – Don’t take the easy route. Words are so easy to say.
9. Jake – You instilled inme the greatest gift. You captured me awestruck with the incredible life you led. What happened?
10. Karen – You see the world differently than others. You hope, you hurt, you hunger, you hate. And I make you. Please, turn those all seeing eyes upon yourself.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Bloody History, Crimbo Presents and Sharing

Bloody History

There are many things I dislike about History. My tutor. Most of the people in my class. The fact that no matter how hard I try my tutor seems incapable of giving me a good grade.

However, a number of possibly psychotic examiners have informed me that I am quite gifted in the subject, despite what Dave Taylor seems to think.

What's that all about?

Crimbo Presents

I gave out Christmas presents today. As usual this event was met with much fake enthusiasm and true disappointment.
However, this year, unlike all previous years, I felt hopeful that I had purchased thoughtful gifts that would be liked. Just shows how advertising is becoming increasingly persuasive and deceitful. I was most certainly convinced. Well, until this morning.

I'll just hope I have more success tomorrow with Cal. And then with my family and Vicky on Christmas day.

Too Much Sharing

I didn't want to mention it, but this blog was discovered (for want of a better word) by a close friend last night. Which makes me wonder if I should move it, or possibly tone down what I say. Of course, she found it quite harrowing to discover my intense hatred of Roy and my excessive use of 'fuck' when I am writing.

In other words, she was slightly perturbed when she discovered what I am really like. My true feelings and reactions to people and situations.

However, I can't bring myself to move this blog or write anything but the truth. I need this space to keep a clear definition of who I truly am. Because sometimes, I can't remember.

Top 10 Christmas presents I would like to receive:

1. Dave McPherson (maybe wearing a large bow.) (It'd have to be large.)
2. Telepathy (that I could control, of course)
3. Telekinesis
4. All of Brendan Bensons' albums
5. For Reuben to make a new album
6. InMe tickets
7. A new MP3 player
8. For Grecian Garden to become a best seller
9. World Peace
10. For Cal to like his Christmas Gift

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Types of Weird

It started out as Catherine's friend from IT sending me weird pictures to now sending me what could possibly be considered soft porn. Or could at least get me locked out of my college account. Er, leave me alone you weirdo.

See, there are two types of weird. There's cute weird. The weird that just suits people. Quirky, odd, unpredictable, amusing.

And then there's the STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME kind of weird. Stalkerish, frightening, gross, annoying.
I wish people would understand the true meaning of weird and know when they have crossed the line from "they're weird but I love 'em" to "they're weird and I don't like to be associated with them". C'mon people. It's not hard to see the signs.

Top 10 'cute' weird people I know:

1. Krista - She's so sweet.
2. Cal - Sometimes I think he's this total introvert. Then he'll start shaking his booty in Afflecks singing 'Don't ya wish ya girlfriend was a whore like me.'
3. Toni - Nuff said.
4. Oliver - These tinned peaches are nice
5. Kirsty - She should really be number 1. I don't think anyone can make me laugh as much as Kirst.
6. Cathcart - Her hypochondria used to annoy some of our friends, but most of the time it's downright amusing
7. Mike! - Giggling, odd noises, strange accents and killer stories. Mike is probably the definition of 'cute' weird
8. Tony - It's very funny when he gets angry
9. Tom Beal - His funny hats alone are reason enough.
10. Kyle - Dancing.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

I went watching Rufus Wainright on Sunday. I'd known the night itself would be pretty awkward. It's weird enough spending time with Kyle and Toni (the proverbial couple in love) but add Mark to the mix and things just get even weirder.

Urlgh. Just thinking about it. Oh the shame. Like Rufus, I always seem to want the things that are bad for me.

See, the thing that I quickly came to discover was that Mark is an awful lot like me. The things he says, the expressions he pulls and his reactions to things are sometimes identical to mine own. It's quite odd. I never really know what to say to him. So often I just revert to shy mode, silent mode or dumbass mode. Infuriating, truly.

So anyway, we made it to the Guild Hall and took our seats while the Guilemots were on. The Guilemots were pretty awesome and the lead singer did this song completely on his own with one hand playing a little keyboard while he sung without a mike. How gutsy is that?

Anyway, Rufus was incredible. I'm not used to seated concerts. I'm generally used to being in a big sweaty pit. It was quite a luxury, sitting down during a show. I had the same great view all night long and my legs weren't killing me afterwards.

Rufus' music is quite odd. Half his songs are FANTASTIC but the other half are sorta dull and all sound the same. The band were just as perfect as Rusty had described. They didn't miss one beat. Rufus s quite the showman. He told us stories (in his very camp sexy, throaty canadian (?) voice) about a Scottish Spa they'd been to and his trip to Blackpool that day. The crowd warmed to him instantly and even when he messed up during a song they'd applaud and cheer like crazy.

Anyway, at the end of the show Rufus and the band all came on in white robes. They did a very Ok Go-esque dance (which a snapped many pictures of) and then Rufus took off his white robe to reveal a blue one underneath. It was then I kinda freaked out cos I saw a couple of the crew dressed in Roman Guard uniforms holding this white cross. They brought the cross on stage, tied Rufus to it, placed a crown of thorns on his head and applied lipstick to his mouth and he proceeded to sing the next song whilst tied to this cross. Very... weird. But cool nonetheless.

See, that didn't annoy me. The part that did was the fact that Kyle had told me ages ago that he didn't listen to music with any swearing or anti-christian messages and, well, HELLO? Rufus Wainwright both swears AND sings songs about homosexuality and sex. I kinda felt that Kyle was being very hypocritical.

It's like if I made the decision to listen to music with no swearing, then still listened to InMe. Well, that would mean that I hadn't really made a decision at all. Right?

Grrr. I guess I'm just sensitive when it comes to music.

Top 10 things that are bad for me (and yet I still cannot resist them):
1. Teeny Bopper films
2. Cal Weston
3. Crisps
4. Books by Meg Cabot
5. Fire Emblem
6. Gingerbread Worms
7. Tea
8. Stupid Websites
9. Days off College
10. Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Dunce

Okay, so I'm in History last week and my tutor hands out this blank map of europe when we walk in. He tells us he thinks it would be a good idea for us to have some geographical knowledge of Italy and it's neighbours. So we have to label as many countries as possible.
So, I quickly label the obvious ones, Spain, France, Italy, UK and Germany. Then it gets a little tricky, so Scott and I team up.
He starts pointing at various pieces of land.
"Yeah, well that's obviously Denmark."
Obviously.
"And those are the Netherlands, though I'm not sure which is Sweden."
Oh, right. Sure.
Me: "So where would like Japan and China be?"
Scott at this point looks up and gives me a sympathetic look. "That's the middle east."
I'm now obviously a geography retard. But the humiliation hasn't ended yet.
"Oh, now that must be Poland," Scott says, triumphantly.
"Oh? I thought that was Africa."
It just so happened that at this point the class had gone really quiet. So yes, everyone heard me announce that I thought Africa was not only in Europe but the size of Poland.
And they all found it HIGHLY amusing.

Monday, December 05, 2005

I hate...

... a lot of things. Generally, if I don't like something I will dismiss it by hating it. I'm an extremist. I have little room for dislike. There is only hate. I don't deny it and I don't wish I was less judgemental.

So today I discovered something. I hate Roy.

I also hate Oasis who are on the radio right now. Excuse me whilst I hasten to turn them off.

So, I hate Roy. Of course this might pose a small problem as everyone else seems to adore him. But he bugs me. A lot. And not because of his bluntness, but more because of the way he seems to make me feel so fucking unwelcome. Which has to be intentional.

It used to bother me that I hate things so easily. But screw that, it's how I am and I like being this way.

Top 10 things I hate:

1. Chavs
2. Ignorance
3. Stupidity
4. Noise masquerading as music
5. Animal cruelty
6. Chelsea
7. Dole scum
8. Politics students (not all of them, just the tres irritating ones)
9. Roy (though that's probably just in the heat of the moment)
10. Jane Austen (or at least her novels)

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Memories

I was in my room tonight when this memory came to me. It was when I was fourteen and I went to the American Theme Park with my school. I was sorta dreading it. I've never been a lover of rides, but everyone was going so... along I went (such a conformist back then!)

I was all dressed up in my 'cool clothes' because I knew that a certain someone was going. The boy I had been infatuated with for 3 years by then. Yes, Stephen Davey (makes me cringe just writing it).

The day was roasting and I ended up getting stuck with Cathcart (a lovable hypachondriac) and Sharon (royal pain in the ass). I was annoyed, to say the least, because my other friends were chasing boys. Namely, Stephen's friends.

There came a point in the day when my friends jumped into one of those log flume carts with a couple of his friends. I remember praying silently that he wouldn't follow them. I felt as if it might break my heart if he got in that stupid cart with my giggling friends.

He rolled his eyes at them and caught up with another guy. They went on the Pirate Ship and my heart was spared.

Well, until my friend dragged me on the Pirate Ship. I sat oppositefrom him, swinging higher and higher, my stomach rising and plummeting. And as I stole a glance across at him I didn't think I would ever be so happy.


Sometimes I miss that feeling of teenage love. Still, I wouldn't take it back for the world. All that shame and embarrassment. ICK!

Top 10 television shows that have ever existed:
1. Dawson's Creek (YOU CANNOT ARGUE WITH THAT!)
2. Friends (well, up until around season 6)
3. Six Feet Under
4. Never Mind The Buzzcocks
5. Whose Line Is It Anyway
6. Red Dwarf
7. Frasier
8. The Queen's Nose
9. Lizzie McGuire (yep. it rules. I don't care if it's shaming.)
10. Anything with Jamie Oliver

Monday, November 28, 2005

Julian

I miss my darling Julian so much. I can't believe I ever lived without him and it pains me that I am forced to now.
Julian is my MP3 player by the way, I'm not just mooning over another boy.
I can't believe I've even brought myself to look for a replacement.

And now I re-read what I've just wrote and realise that my life is, in fact, pathetic.
I need Julian back desperately.
Every time I see him lying there on my shelf it upsets me.

Top 10 inventions I would suffer if I had to live without:

1. MP3 players (JULIAN!!!)
2. Word Processors
3. Any nintendo creation
4. The wheel (duh)
5. Microwaves
6. Chip and pin
7. Cameras
8. BLOGS!
9. The internet
10. Emulators

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Blue Eyes

It's 3 in the morning and I've been working all weekend. Not fun. But I also went to London this week. Fun.

I am now in love with Trent Ford and glad to find that (for once) I am not the only one STUNNED by his incredible good looks. He is like a greek god. With the most hypnotising blue eyes. BREATH-TAKING.

Top 10 reasons for me to start writing with discipline:

1. I'm talented. I'm almost sure of that, I just lack the self-discipline.
2. My dream is to get people as excited about stories and books as the authors I idolise have
3. I have all these characters, each one special to me, and they each deserve to have their story completed.
4. One day I want Sarah Dessen to read one of my books
5. Writing is most likely a better use of my time than the other things I do
6. I can't really be a writer if I'm not producing anything
7. I'm always quick to moan that there aren't enough good writers
8. I want to be extraordinary, and this talent might be my only ticket
9. I need to leave a legacy
10. One person can change the world

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Everlong

Hello. I've waited here for you. Everlong.

I'm always waiting it seems.

Come down. And waste away with me. Down with me.

Why can't it be like that? Why must there be such complication?

If anything could ever be this good again.

No. My life will never feel so bittersweet ever again.
Because you are gone. And you will not come back to me. I will never have the second chance that I pleaded for.
So I will relive that first chance over and over, hating myself and loving you.

Top 10 scary thoughts:
1. That I will end up alone
2. That I will not be extraordinary one day
3. That my procrastination will keep me from having the things I want so badly
4. That I will be this way forever
5. That I won't get into Uni
6. That InMe will split up
7. That I am slipping away
8. That Reuben will one day stop making the music that comforts me so deeply
9. That I am not talented
10. That you are gone. Lost forever, never to return.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

InMe

There are some times in my life when I need InMe. They are like this medication for me. This summer when I was depressed all the time, 'White Butterfly' was like a life support, I clung to it and the thought of the gig in July. Sometimes, when I listen to them and close my eyes it's like I can almost feel gentle arms wrapped around me.
I mean, music has always been my comfort, my friend, my one true love.

But InMe are like a blood transfusion, they make me feel as though life, pure life is coursing through my veins, warm and wonderful. And that is pretty much why I love them.

Recently I'm addicted to Brendan Benson, his songs make me think of Cal. A lot.

Oh yeah, I'm going to London next week. In fact, this time next week I'll probably be asleep in a hotel room in LONDON!

Top 10 fruits:
1. Cherries
2. Apples
3. Pommegranites
4. Pears
5. Nectarines
6. Green Grapes
7. Watermelon
8. Mango
9. Star fruit
10. Guava

Friday, November 11, 2005

FUCK OFF!

There are a lot of times when I just want to scream and swear. I remember starting to swear when I was in my first year. Everyone at High School swore constantly, within a month you were swearing with the best of them. And so was I.

Then there was this one night when Vic (my best mate) came over to my house and we were playing board games in the living room where Mum was doing something. Then suddenly it was like Vic and Mum were both talking at me at the same time and it was stressing me out. So I cracked and just screamed, "FUCKING SHUT UP!"

My Mum exploded! And I stopped saying Fuck right then and there.

But there are times, like when my Dad's being a total hypocrite, that I just wanna scream it all over again. So I do. In my head. And sometimes it makes me feel better.

Top 10 drinks:

1. Tea
2. Apple Juice
3. Sprite (Obey your thirst)
4. Cherry Coke
5. Cheeky Vimto
6. Water from my bathroom tap
7. Cherry 7-Up
8. Rio
9. Diet Coke
10. Strawberry frap

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Access

Access (mine and my friends version of Christian Union) is booming. Well, not booming necessarily, but it's good. I like to see how pleased Thom is every week at how many people there are. I know he was discouraged last year and it hurt me how sad he looked every week, but now he's smiling all the time. It's really awesome.

I spoke this week. I think I did okay. People laughed anyway. At my jokes, not at me.
And we went crazy with party poppers. Funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

I'd had this hellish weekend of work, but today has been oddly good. I could have gone home this afternoon too, but here I am, in the flesh. I'll get home one hour (and one cramped bus) earlier.

And I think I might be going to London which is also pretty exciting.

So I'm covered in zits with bushy eyebrows, stomach cramps, wild hair, flushed cheeks and flithy wet jeans, but I'm managing a smile.
God works in mysterious ways.

Top 10 reasons why I should be allowed to dye my hair and get my ears plugged:

1. It will help me establish my individuality
2. It will give me a wasteful outlet for my money
3. It will grant me a higher threshold of pain
4. It will make Dave McPherson (or at least James) fall in love with me
5. It will gross people out (the ears will anyway, I don't know about the hair)
6. It'll look cool for London
7. It will annoy some of my friends
8. It will delight the rest of my friends
9. It will make me happy
10. IT WILL LOOK SO AWESOME

Monday, October 24, 2005

Alter-Egos

I have a few alter egos. I've mentioned Norman before. Norman is my good alter-ego. He is behind every good and kind thing I do. Because I'm not a kind and selfless person by nature, and yet I still do kind and selfless things sometimes. And these things are due to Norman. I guess that makes me a Virtue-Theorist. Huh. Always thought Virtue Theory was bullshit. Guess there might be something behind it.

And then there's Genevieve. Genevieve is my bad alter-ego. Every bad thing I do is an act of Genevieve because I know that deep down I am not bad. I'm by no means perfect, but I'm not bad.

Top 10 things I like about Philosophy class:

1. When my tutor Mike makes funny noises and giggles like a ginger gnome.
2. When Johnny gets proven wrong
3. When Tony gets angry
4. When me and Toni pass funny notes
5. When Tim explains something. He just says it in a simple way and I always understand what he's talking about. He'd make a good Philosophy tutor if he didn't reject religion so adamantly
6. When Mike says something like 'Bodge' or 'Bob' or 'lovely' or 'Jim is eagle'
7. When Andy, the cute quiet guy, is wearing his tye dye shirt. It's very cute.
8. When someone makes fun of Sean's bright yellow jumper
9. When Mike has to draw something
10. When Mike attempts to use the interactive smart board and has to get Andy to help him.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Matt Hales

I have an awful lot of English work to do for tomorrow morning. Fun. Joy. Laughter.

Am I currently doing any of that English work?

No. No, no, no. That is a very amusing question. I am in fact watching old 'Never Mind the Buzzcocks' with Matt Hales on as a guest and contemplating whether Matt Hales is my soulmate.

Gosh, he's so geekishly adorable.
He makes my voice go all squeaky and high.
English work...
He has that melting smile.
I like his glasses.
He's very skinny though. I'd have to feed him up. Wonder if he likes lasagne?
English work... English work... It's nearly one in the morning... English work...
His hair is sort of the colour of hard caramel.
Mmm, I like hard caramel.
Er, hello? Are you even listening to me? English work plus early morning equals get your ass into gear now!
Matt Hales' chest, now there's a thought to inspire sweet dreams!
FOR ****S SAKES! WILL YOU STOP DRIBBLING ON ABOUT MATT HALES YOU BAG OF TEENAGE HORMONES AND DO YOUR ENGLISH FINALLY???
Geez, no need to shout.

Top 10 reasons I need to make money over half term instead of sitting around the house in my pyjamas:

1. London Trip at the end of November (Mike Atherton's Swan Song!)
2. Birthdays
3. Christmas
4. A new hat
5. Pay off credit card debt
6. Whip my ass into shape
7. Get some new jeans
8. Get some new sneakers
9. Get more music
10. So I can finally put money on my phone

Monday, October 17, 2005

Pizza Hut Issues

I really hate Pizza Hut. Not only is the food gross and way overpriced, but the service is terrible and the overall experience is simply harrowing. I really detest poseurs and as such Pizza Hut is my ultimate enemy in the food industry as it is a fast food outlet pretending to be a respectable restaurant. SICK.

It is for all the above reasons that I avoided dining in Pizza Hut last night. Well, that and the fact that a) I really hate one of Vic's friends and b) my friends felt awkward around Vic's friends, the majority of which just seemed determined to ignore my mates. SICK.

But there is hope in every disappointment. I did, this weekend, receive my amazon order and was therefore able to enjoy a Saturday of lying around reading shameless romance novels and listening to the angelic voice of Mr. Damian Kulash Jr and his wonderful compadres. What ho!

Yet now I am back in college with a particularly DULL day ahead of me. Woot.

Top 10 'Cool' 'Cultured' things I could be doing now:

1. Fruit picking in Australia
2. Hiking in New Zealand
3. Barwork in the Caribbean
4. Surfing in Devon
5. Grape pressing in France
6. Shopping in New York
7. Dining in Italy
8. Walking in Amsterdam
9. Dancing in Spain
10. Drinking in Ireland

Monday, October 10, 2005

Fear of the Known

I'm scared. I think I am now officially being followed. Oh please someone get me out of this mess.

To be fair, I so didn't ask for this. This situation is in no way my fault. And I really don't need it right now. And I'm not particularly sure how to handle it. I guess wandering the corridors alone is now out of the question. My life is over.

Maybe it wouldn't be so crazy for Cal to email him. But... no, no! Asking Cal to email him is crazy. I can handle this. It's like a life lesson.

I wish Rusty was here to protect me. I could walk along the corridors on his arm and he could entertain me with random bursts of song. And I would feed him Thorntons chocolate and Burritos.
Oh, that sounds heavenly. And I'm sure Rusty would make a very good protector.

Top 10 words (compiled by Krista and Skinny)(with help from me):
1. Schwa (hebrew vowel - a mixture of luck and skill)
2. Kiosk
3. Conundrum (it was on radio 4)
4. Temporary
5. Blue Soap (Skinny: That's not a word, it's two! Kat: I don't care)
6. Moosebean
7. Non-sensical (hypocritical not Skinny?)
8. Platypus
9. Harsh
10. Huffah!

A Peach

Ciao. It feels like Italy is being stuffed down my throat lately. In History and English and what is next? Italian Philosophy? The biological rhythms of the Italians???

Sorry. Randomness over. And now for an update on my stunningly horrific life. Well, it hasn't all been horrific since I MET OK GO ON FRIDAY NIGHT. Aha, yeah, completely true.
We (Toni and myself) turned up at Liverpool Academy 4 to watch them and were delighted by our place leaning against the stage. We were so close to the guys that Rusty actually touched my arm when leaning down to move the fallbacks (media geekishness, I know what fallbacks are) so they had enough room on stage to perform the 'Million Ways' dance.

You always expect musicians to be dicks and that you'll be really disappointed when you meet them, but the OK Go guys were all just so genuinely sweet. Especially Rusty who seemed a lot more serious than the others, but heart-stoppingly cute all the same. Tim was very welcoming to all the love and Damian seemed to make sure he gave everyone a moment of his attention. Unfortunately Dan disappeared at the end of the show, but I am sure that he is also lovely.

And now it must be said that I am in love with the guys from OK Go. Especially Rusty.

As for Chris, I think I'm being stalked. Though he hasn't mentioned spending time together again, he seems to pop up whenever I am alone at college. I have strived to put him off i.e. being nasty to him when he talked about burning crosses, being ditzy and blondish, informing him of my inability to purchase new clothes and even telling him about my "boyfriend" Cal. Strangely enough, Cal is only too happy to play my so-called boyfriend and is taking his duty very seriously. I told him that I'd informed Chris that he was taking me out over the weekend and so Cal suggested that he should take me out so that I might not have to lie. Of course I graciously declined.
Odd.

Top 10 wonderful things the world has to offer:
1. InMe
2. Damian Kulash's ass (like a ripe peach, I swear!)
3. Miyazaki films
4. Escalators
5. Subway Ice Machines
6. Fire Emblem
7. The smell of chlorine
8. Doc Martens
9. Afflecks Palace
10. The hands of the cute guy on the ice-cream counter at the Manchester Filmworks

So much to live for!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Let Me LEAVE

I got asked out. Oh goddesses. I did.

By Chris. The guy out of my English class.
To put it lightly it was... Embarrassing.

And now I have to learn how to let a boy down lightly. I mean, I've never had to say 'no' before. See...

A History of My Tragically Pathetic Love Life

Josh - Asked me out when I was fourteen. We continued to date on and off for a couple of years. Puppy love.
Carter - Sort of a rebound. Hmm, way too complicated to explain.
Stephen - Was infatuated with him for four years, but NOTHING ever happened. I mean, duh, he had no idea I was so crazy about him.
Cal - My summer fling. Secret summer fling, as in Cal happened around the time of Leeds when I was out of contact with all my friends because of me not being at church. It was... nice. And we're still sort of gushy with one another, but it's nothing permanent.

So you see, in my tragically lacking past experience I've never been liked by someone I felt nothing for. I mean, Chris is a sweet guy who seems very different, but he's so not my type. I just see him as my friend out of English class.

Plus, it could all be a set up. Boys can be truly mean like that.

Goddesses. Goddesses, goddesses, goddesses.
Norman got a real kick out of the whole thing. Gosh, if it hadn't been for Ruth quickly changing the subject I might have died right there on the spot.

A list. That's what I need.

Top 10 ways to dispel anger:

1. Hit things. Or people.
2. Curse Matt Wood. Or your History Tutor.
3. Listen to angry music
4. Write a blog
5. Scream into a pillow. A lot.
6. Take a shower
7. Draw your veins on your skin. It works, honest.
8. Have an argument (not the recommended method!)
9. Go for a walk (to the canal and stand on the bridge)
10. Deep breaths?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Procrastination

Shit, am I busy. Well, not right now. I should be, I have a TON of stuff to do but I've also got a LONG dinner period on my own to do it in. I hope anyway. Well, I don't hope I'm alone. But I hope I can get it all done because I've got Two Twenty tonight and work Thursday and Friday night. I'm going to get Vicky's birthday present on Saturday and going to the cinema on Sunday.

Phew. It seems like I've just been working, working, working this past week. I was at work ALL weekend (which is NOT fun, lemme tell you). I was so tired that I had to stay off college yesterday. And now I have nothing to look forward to except a long afternoon of History, a night at Two Twenty running around setting up the room on my own and calling work to tell them I can't work Saturday.

In a word, LIFE SUCKS right now.
So to cheer myself up, A LIST! Huffah

Top 10 things to look forward to in the life of Karen Ellison:

1. Vicky's Birthday party (murder mystery, woot!)
2. Seeing InMe live on the 5th of October (Dave McPherson woot!)
3. Watching Howl's Moving Castle on Sunday (Miyazaki woot!)
4. Finally buying Reuben's new album (Blamethrower woot!)
5. Going to London (my first trip woot!)
6. Watching the Corpse Bride with everyone on Halloween (dead person woot!)
7. Paying Mum back (not in debt woot!)
8. Finally getting my Doc Martins (big boots woot!)
9. Seeing James again. Eventually. (James... woooooooooot!)
10. Christmas? (Woot?)

How truly PATHETIC? Hmm, maybe I should write about Leeds to cheer me up? Bit of nostalgia?
Hell, it's not like I want to do my Psychology homework.

FRIDAY

Oooh! Okay, like every other Leeds weekend, the day began at Tesco. We hopped on the thoroughly packed bus and went on upstairs. On our journey (which brought back a multitude of memories from the past couple of years) Steven phoned and asked when we were getting our asses down to the site.
When we arrived Ste and Cathcart were waiting for us near Rachel's Gate, both donned in wellies like me for it twas slightly muddy. Straight to wristband exchange (where we somehow got separated from SnC and the into the queue). We planned out our weekends whilst we were queing and got into the site in about an hour (although it was not fun to be called by SnC who informed us they had got into the site after queing for about twenty minutes).
To be honest the first day was quite uneventful up until Incubus. We caught a couple of bands in the NME tent (but we couldn't see very well.) Did a touch of shopping, checked out boys.

I'd been determined to get a good place for Incubus as they were the band I most wanted to see. So we stood through Iggy and the Stooges before moving in for Incubus. We actually got closer than I had anticipated, not that I could enjoy it much as when the guys came on the crowd went wild and I got swept away from Iona and Toni. Lets just say it was scary. But Incubus were kick arse and I had like this spiritual moment when they were playing 'Nice To Know You' when I reached up to the clear blue sky, feeling so happy right then.

We ended up having an early night, catching the bus after a few minutes of Manson. It was a nice laid back first day. Oh, and Toni nearly had to pee in a paper cone. Nearly.

Now I really do need to do some homework so the other two days will come soon!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Obsession

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. And now you're probably expecting a full review of Leeds, an update on my job and a little insight into my first couple of days back at college, right?
Right?
And I will... Eventually. Some time this week I'm gonna have a lonely free period and I'm sure I'll spend it writing a VERY long blog about Leeds and junk. But now...

I have a confession to make. I've always been a bit of a people watcher. I love insight into other people's lives and to wonder where they are and why they are hurting. Through blogging I stumbled across this one guy. For the sake of privacy I'll name him 'Peter'.
I listen to the music 'Peter' listens to, I read the books he's read. I take from a few simple pages of his long forgotten blog a snapshot of his life, his thoughts, his heart. He was lonely. He was torturing himself, believing he was inadequate. And I see pieces of myself reflected in his words.

Where are you? Why wasn't I with you on that Christmas day 2 years ago? What was I doing whilst your fingers fumbled across the keyboard, spilling out your fears? Why does the world part people who could help each other?

Hold on, hold on silent stranger. I have recognised your fears, I have glimpsed your anger. And you are not alone anymore.

Top 10 signs that someone is 'Slipping Away':

1. When you ask how they are they divert the topic back to you.
2. Slowly, they seem to disappear from your life.
3. Dark powers and interests entrance them suddenly
4. They smile too much
5. They look tired all the time
6. They don't get excited anymore
7. They get too excited as a means to distract you
8. Rarely you will catch them getting incredibly angry at themselves for making mistakes
9. They begin to question things
10. They envelope themselves in the deep cocoon of music, blocking out the world as much as possible.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Chlorine

Did you know that I adore the smell of chlorine? It is the most beautiful smell in the world. The magic power of chlorine can always calm my soul. And it's strange that I love that smell since I loathe swimming and the smell of chlorine triggers memories of many horrific swimming lessons. But I do love that smell and I'm ashamed to say that the smell of chlorine blasting out of a warm water vent as I passed by the swimming baths to reach the library has been a highlight of my week.

Gosh, that is pathetic.

Leeds festival is one week away. And I'm excited, don't get me wrong. But I have a suspicious feeling that this is gonna be one LONG week indeed.

Okay, let me start by telling you that Tuesday was one of the worst nights ever. There's no key event that made it suck, it just did. I hated every moment I was there. And a Tuesday night hasn't been like that since forever. Sure, I've had bad Tuesdays, but not hellish tuesdays.

Anyway, this made me come to the decision that church is a big no go for at least the next week. NO WAY IN HELL AM I GOING BACK.

Sorry about that. I'm just beginning to hate the place. And it frustrates me that I can't explain that to anyone. No one seems to be able to comprehend that I don't want to spend so much time at church. It depresses me.

But then I get depressed that so much of my life revolves around church.
So now I'm just depressed and I so desperately want to go back to college, more than anything.

And I miss James.

I'm sorry for being so down. Good news = I got good AS results, B in English, A's in History and Psychology and a C in Philosophy (2 MARKS OF A B!!!)

Top 10 smells:

1. Chlorine
2. Freshly washed sheets
3. The Moshpit
4. A Brand New Notebook
5. Sunday dinner
6. New CD
7. Petrol
8. Pantene shampoo
9. Rain
10. The Train Station

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I'm a pennyless student no more!

I thought I'd just blog to mention that I now have a job. I start on Sunday and I'm a wee bit nervous about it all. Still, it's money after all. And it's 2 weeks today until Leeds! Woot!

Top 10 reasons I'm infatuated with Dave McPherson, lead singer of InMe:
1. His growling essex accent
2. He's very shy and introverted, though not as much as he used to be
3. When he sings, he sounds so delicate and fragile, as though his soul is so anguished he could be crushed with a single blow
4. He's an awesome guitarist
5. The way his hair falls into his eyes
6. His boyish grin
7. He has a good sense of style
8. He is flawed (having a dishwasher, smoking, cutting his hair, swearing unecessarily, going to strip clubs etc.) but that makes him more real to me and sets me up for the fact that I will NEVER find someone who is perfect. It could be said that to love is to accept someone as they are, flaws and all.
9. Er, he's HOT!
10. He's sarcastic, just like my ideal life companion.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

White Oleander

I've just watched one of my all time favourite films, 'White Oleander'. This would explain why I am feeling so artistic. It is the sort of film that leaves you yearning to be misunderstood. That's the only way I can explain it. I am misunderstood, but only in the same way that everyone else is.

I laugh bitterly at this point. It's like that saying, 'you're unique, just like everybody else'. So true and yet I choose to ignore this fact, to act like a snob, believing I am cleverer and deeper than 80% of the population.

I thought this might be the perfect time to write about Norman. But maybe this is the worst time. I want to portray Norman in an accurate light and I'm not sure I'm capable of that right now. I'm too... tired.

Tonight was weird, kind of like I was watching myself from a distance. I did my second bought of powerpoint with the church media team and this time it didn't go so well. I messed up a lotta stuff and I was really mad at myself. So mad that cynical misery chick Kat somehow clawed her way to the surface, shown in my brief conversation with Karl:

"Thanks for helping us out. You did really well," Karl said in his slow drawl as he slowly pushed aside a couple of wires and fought his way out from behind the desk.
I took hold of my bag, swinging it from the blaring orange chair and onto my shoulder. I quickly composed myself and began to walk towards those double doors. It seemed as though I passed through them every day.
"Well, something tells me you'll be better off with Catherine. She's a lot more pedantic."
A strange unsisterly feeling momentarily took control of my mouth as I spoke cruel words I didn't mean.
"So good luck."
I could feel Karl's look of mild shock, as he fell into step beside me. I know that since he spends a large portion of his life in church and around church people, such negativity has become alien to him. His happy enthusiasm is genuine. Sometimes I envy him of that and sometimes I doubt that he was always so happy. But he is now and I am reminded of that by his response.
"Well, I do hope that you'll join the Sunday team. You impressed me tonight."
I almost snorted before replying.
"Then you impress easily."
I remember how the words sounded, and I am sure that it was like hearing the voice of my fifteen year old self. Timid and defensive. Afraid.
I pitied Karl. He obviously had no idea what the right response to that was. Unlike my friends and family who knew never to take my words at face value, Karl obviously felt like he owed me something.
"No, you did. You're focused and have a good attitude."
A good attitude. Huh, interesting.
"Well, I'll think about it."

I apologise for slipping into novel mode. Lately I've been wondering if I should write a novel of my life. Maybe then could begin to look at life through the eyes of others once I've learned how to look at life through my own eyes. Or maybe I'm just listening to too many sad songs and watching too many dark films.

And yet tonight I feel like I have given back something I myself was given. When I arrived at the train station I saw a girl from college who I don't really know that well. Her name is Sinead, I know because she's friends with Danny. Cut a long story short, she was being hassled by some weird guys. I promptly called my Dad and five minutes and a far few lies later we were outta there. We took her home and I could hear the relief in her voice as she thanked me.

Just like my voice when I thanked Matt a few months ago.

Top 10 Greatest Loved Films:

1. Donnie Darko
2. Jackass The Movie
3. Meet Joe Black
4. American Beauty
5. The Virgin Suicides
6. Saved!
7. White Oleander
8. Spirited Away
9. Jack and Sarah
10. Fly Away Home

Friday, July 29, 2005

Chamber

I hath been awoken early by my brother's mate Farley. I could not sleep AT ALL last night because I was still so hyped up from InMe! For prosperity (and the sake of my memory), last night's setlist was:

Otherside
Mosaic
Faster The Chase
Neptune
Gelosea
You'll Get There
7weeks
Crushed Like Fruit
Natural
Chamber
Underdose
Just A Glimpse
Firefly
Lava Twilight

Woot! And now for the other going-ons of my life since my ethernet cable broke. Went to Manchester last week to get the new InMe singles and saw Cathcart in Afflecks. That was awesome, I'd missed her a lot. James has been at Two-Twenty without fail every week, looking hot as ever. He is SO cute. So very very cute. And he likes THIN LIZZY!

James rocks.

Now I've started typing crap about James I don't wanna spoil it by writing a lot of obscenities concerning Matt Wood.
So I'll leave that until I need to do it.

Top 10 things to do whilst on the toilet:

1. Think of twists for current storylines
2. Sing
3. Rant about the world
4. Pray
5. File your nails
6. Daydream about Dave/James
7. Write a list of things you have to do in your head
8. Relive some of your favourite memories
9. Decide what to have for lunch
10. Stretch

InMe

I've just come home from what was THE GREATEST GIG OF MY ENTIRE SEVENTEEN YEARS OF LIFE!
InMe. Duh.

I can't describe the entire night, all I can say is I WAS SO CLOSE TO DAVE MCPHERSON!!!!!

It's true. There was at one point merely one person between me and Dave McPherson (the man of my sleeping and waking dreams).

Top 10 things about the InMe gig 28/07/05

1. I was SOOOOOOOOOO close to Dave
2. I saw Dave sweating. A lot.
3. My best friend Vic finally went in her very first moshpit!
4. Dave grinned... AT ME!
5. Dave spoke in his gravelly essex accent
6. The sing along to 'Natural'. I KNOW!
7. Everyone singing along with 'Firefly'
8. Dave was wearing the famous 55 t-shirt!!!
9. They flattered the manchester crowd endlessly.
10. The cool merch guy! What an awesome dude!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Irony. What a bitchin' night of Irony.

So I don't seem to completely heartless, I'm gonna tell the obviously more important piece of information first.
A girl from my college died on the 11th of July in a car crash. Her name was Vicky Gaskell and she was 17 years old. I only found out yesterday after I'd wrote my blog about heaven. I choose not to look for anything within that coincidence. I didn't know her myself, though I know people who were close to her, but it's just... weird. I mean, this girl was totally ordinary, she liked sports, had plenty of friends, worked hard at college. What makes her any different from me (apart from the sports thing)? And the car crash wasn't like a drunk driving incident, it just happened. It just happened.
If I was her family I don't think that 'It just happened' would be much of a comfort to me.

Okay, moving on because I don't want to depress myself. Though I'm not sure if this topic is much better.
James showed up again last night. James showed up looking so irresistibly, perfectly cute (despite the blistering hot weather). And you know what? James happens to have the most incredible timing as he showed up on the perfect night to see me drenched in sweat with eyebrows like caterpillars and a huge t-shirt that (despite making me look huge) is the coolest thing to wear on a scorching day.

I don't think he saw me. Teardown was so hectic that I didn't have much time to hang out down at Two-Tuk. Plus it was Layla's (that's how you spell her name) last night and I don't think I'll ever see her again. I got her email address so we'll have to talk. She's so cool, I'm really gonna miss her.

On a brighter note teardown went awesome, as did set-up. We all ate super marshmallows and sour sweets. I got ten legend points off Aaron (this is a real compliment since Aaron is the coolest eleven year old in the entire universe), a hug off Tom West (second coolest eleven year old in the whole world) and a key from Serena. My key. It's so ludicrously special, I just can't describe it!

I have to see James next week. I refuse to accept that this was my second chance.
Good piece of news, my InMe tickets have just arrived!!! 15 days to go!!! Woot!

Top 10 things I hate about summer:

1. Sweating. It just sucks. And it doesn't cool you down!!!
2. Pollen. I don't have hayfever but some of my friends do.
3. Summer holidays. When you're on around your 6th week, they just get boring.
4. Sunburn. Nuff said.
5. Kids being off school. Now I'm not one of them, I hate them even more!
6. Midges.
7. Flies. Especially horse flies.
8. Feeling knackered even though you've done nothing.
9. Hot, sticky nights.
10. People with those stupid hand held battery operated fans. Get a life!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Heaven

Sometimes when my thoughts are drifting throughout a whirlwind of categories, I will sometimes wonder what heaven is like. I'm sure everyone has heard the bible references, the whole paved with gold imagery and Jesus sat on the right hand side of God, but this doesn't tell us everything.

In 'Lucky' by Alice Sebold, the narrator of the story is in heaven after being raped and murdered. She describes heaven as being unique to each person. For example, her version of heaven is a school with only art lessons and a house with the perfect view of a magnificent sunset every night.

So if this is true, what would my version of heaven be like? I imagine it to be a festival, with all my favourite bands playing, and the whole collection of people I love hanging out on the grass, eating festival burgers. I guess my brother would be getting stoned, because that is how I remember him. My Mum would be reading her bible, drinking a gin and tonic and laughing with my Aunts. My Dad would be pottering around, gardening on the festival sight or driving me around in his old black cavalier.

But I somehow can't imagine heaven being as clear cut as this. I imagine there being principles for heaven such as there is no discrimination, or pain. Surely in a world with no discrimination or pain, it wouldn't matter whether you are at a festival, or in a castle or even in a school with only art classes.

I have plans for when I do get to heaven though. I can't wait to catch up with people, like relatives that have passed away and my Mother's good friend Patricia who I am named after. I'll be excited to meet relatives that passed away before I was born, because I am told they are a part of me, despite me never having met them. I also want to say something to Sonny out of P.O.D. That's my main priority for heaven, I've GOT to meet Sonny out of P.O.D. and thank him for making good christian music.

Top 10 things about heaven:

1. There will be no discrimination
2. Everyone will be happy all the time
3. We'll be able to watch our fave movies non-stop
4. It'll be like a never ending two-twenty
5. I'll get to meet P.O.D.
6. I'll be assured that my life has had a purpose
7. No pain, war or sadness
8. I'll never be lonely
9. Get to ask Big G some questions that have been on my mind
10. I'll have that feeling like when you work really hard at something and when it's done you get to stand back and admire what you've done.

Monday, July 11, 2005

I Hate My Brother

I hate my brother. A lot. I hate the double standards my parents have with us. I hate how if he does something he's just nagged for a while but if I do something my parents throw a fit and I'm deemed to be the spawn of satan.

Anyway. I went to the cinema with Christina, Lila, Catherine, Nat, Danny, Roy, Katt and Harry. Wow. That's a lot of people. Check it out! I'm popular! It was so much fun. We hung out in the Asda cafe for a while before we went to the cinema. Roy and Nat had a competition of how much crap they could stuff in a Sunny Delight bottle. And then Harry and Roy started competing over who could jump from a higher point on a flight of stairs (Roy won that one) and then when we reached the cinema the guys were swinging like monkeys from the veranda around the front of the cinema (Harry won, he jumped across the most bars).

The film was cool, I had my first experience of Hagen Daas cookies and cream ice-cream in a tiny pot and so did Lila. Christina chowed down on a pint of Hagen Daas Baileys ice-cream.
While we were in the cafe, Lila was trying to ask for some jaffa cakes, but since she doesn't speak very good english she had to mime what jelly was and we still didn't twig what she was on about for ages. I felt very stupid. Lila is very cool. There was this baby crying during the film and she went to me 'Do you want to learn a portugese word?' And I was like 'Sure'. She taught me the portugese word for 'shut up' (which I just can't remember) so that I could shout it as loud as I wanted and no-one would understand what I meant. I'm really gonna miss Lila, she's just so cool.

Overall, the afternoon was good. And I saw Thom Beale jumping up and down in church this morning. He looked okay again. I'm glad, I was worried about him.

Top 10 reasons why I hate my brother:

1. He is a poseur
2. He listens to some truly crap music
3. His girlfriend is a total bimbo which means I'm never gonna get those perfect nieces and nephews I've been dreaming of.
4. He drinks everything
5. He eats everything
6. He's allowed to run up a massive phone bill, but if I call Toni more than once a month I get a phone ban
7. He grows weed. I mean, HELLO, I have a good christian girl rep to maintain.
8. He gets narky when I phone home to get Dad to pick me up.
9. He gets water ALL OVER the bathroom floor.
10. He's so charming that he gets away with anything.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Leeds Nostalgia

I went to Leeds Festival for the first time in 2003 when I was just fifteen years old. It hadn't been planned. It was an impulse of Toni's after she'd loved our day at Download so much. We went that first year with Toni's Italian friends Sara and Iona.

That first year was just incredible. I remember getting into the festival site and seeing Kinesis straight away. We were so close to the front and we met a really cool girl, I just remember this feeling deep inside of me that this would be an awesome experience. And it was.

So much so that we returned last year, Myself, Toni, Iona and our school friend Heather along with Ste and Cathcart who were camping. And again it was incredible. My first experience of a muddy festival. Almost like a coming of age experience.

I pledged that first year that I would return every year, no matter what. Leeds Festival had found a place within my heart and there was no way of changing that.

Top 10 Leeds Memories

1. Running across the Leeds site to reach InMe who were already playing on the Main stage
2. Johnny Borell ripping off his shirt, causing many a camera to flash and many a heart to flutter
3. Ok Go's dance routine to C-C-C-cinnamon Lips
4. Davey Havok walking across the crowd
5. Dancing around to White Stripes in polythene rain macs
6. The Waltzer Whiplash experience after hours of queueing
7. The Darkness 'I'm hungry, bring me some meat'
8. Seeing Woodchuck (*sighs*) within my very first hour of the Leeds Festival Experience
9. Beck dancing
10. Melissa Auf Der Maur's crowd screaming

Blonde Ignorant Bimbo

Life is luxuriously dull when you have a couple of days off college. I've been on relax mode, chilling out and being ugly (since there is little need for personal hygiene when only your parents are subject to the hideous sight of you).

And that lasted around half an hour until Rob brought his girlfriend home.

Now it's not that I don't like her. It's just... she's so damn ignorant! I swear, she was living here for a week while my parents were away and I barely saw her. And she uses the shower about 5 times in the morning when I'm trying to de-toxify myself! AND she uses all my cleansing products! And giggles REALLY loud! And they used to keep me up all night (nuff said, ew!) before my parents came home anyway.

Let's just hope he doesn't marry this one.

Top 10 Greatest Songs made before July 7th 2005:

1. Sunburn - MUSE (greatest bar none!)
2. Debra- BECK
3. White Butterfly - InMe
4. Inbetween Days - THE CURE
5. Blamethrower - REUBEN
6. Pistola - INCUBUS
7. Tuna In The Brine - SILVERCHAIR
8. Optimistic - RADIOHEAD
9. Fat Lip - SUM 41
10. Party Hard - Andrew WK

Monday, July 04, 2005

24 Days

24 days until InMe! 24 days until InMe! And now Vicky might be coming with meeeeeeeeeee!

Sorry for that spontaneous singing. Only InMe can make me so delirious with happiness that I actually contemplate being CHEERFUL (*shudders*), it's a good job I love them.

I am waiting for Philosophy onst my lonesome. Nomey was here a second ago, but now she hath apparated. I am way too dreamy today and I should be depressed since it is now official, Josh is over me and has moved onto the perfect Miss Lara Lovemyself.

Maybe I am still a little mad about that. I could lie and say I worry that she isn't good enough for him, but even I would know that that is a total lie. The truth is, the attention from Josh (though bordering on obsessive) was... ( for want of a better word)... nice.

There... I've admitted it so I'll stop doing all those little dot dot dot things that are supposed to indicate intensity. Because they don't. They just make you look like you've wrote more. And going on about them means you have wrote more, but it's all crap so maybe it would have been better if you'd just stuck to writing nothing and then everyone would've been happy cos it's not like what you're writing is valuable...

DAMN THOSE THREE DOTS, NOW THEY'RE IN MY HEAD, MY FINGERS ARE TYPING THEM BEFORE I CAN STOP.

Maybe I'm more than a little upset.
And Yipee, I get to go home and either: listen to Josh go on and on about Lara / hope Cal will call (even though that is IMPOSSIBLE) / watch cartoons and write meaningless crap.

Top 10 ways to figure out you're being stalked:

1. You keep receiving mysterious anonymous letters
2. You're getting prank phone calls despite your unlisted number
3. You continue to see movement within the shadows wherever you go
4. You feel a 'presence' within your room when you are sleeping
5. Someone is being unecessarily mean to you in college/school/work/jail
6. Your favourite song keeps playing somewhere in the distance
7. A person inexplicably changes everything about themselves to suit you
I'm getting the feeling this is just a list of stuff I did in the last couple of years of high school. Apart from the favourite song thing. Cos I didn't know whether it was 'Flesh into Gear' or something by the Deftones.
I didn't mean that. It was sarcasm. I hope.
8. You're receving nice gifts
9. The dentist was asked for a copy of your dental records by a person in a trenchcoat
10. The friends of a certain person snigger when you walk past

This list was just scary. No more meaningful lists for now.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Tennis

I have a job. Okay, nuff said about that.

I ended up being dragged to A&E by my Father and Grandmother because of the FUCKING BLISTER! 3 hours (whilst I could have been watching the women's semi-final, which was apparently an INCREDIBLE match) waiting just for some doctor to tell me (maybe not in these exact words) to piss off home because it's just a blister and my own doctor can handle it.
I was right. There was no friggin point going. And boy did I make my Dad pay!

So anyway. That was that. Maybe I should write more upbeat. My Mother is on the rampage though so there is no room for cheer in this household currently.

Top 10 creatures:

1. Giraffe - not only are they yellow, but they are skinny, tall and incredibly cool
2. Hamster - they're acrobats
3. Hedgehogs - I wish I could curl up into a spiky ball sometimes
4. Elephants - no contest, they have trunks and take mud baths
5. Bats - they're stylish, black is always in after all
6. Spiders - they're thoughtful, I mean they catch flies!!!
7. Ladybirds - Ditto, they eat greenfly
8. Squirrels - funky, shameless show-offs!
9. Dolphins - dolphins are like the Will Smith's of the animal kingdom, so undeniably cool
10. Otters - cos I like watching them eat fish. don't ask.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Misery

I can't go into college today. Do you know why? Cos of a FUCKING BLISTER!
Yes, I'm a little bit pissed.

Top 10 things I hate about my living room:

1. It's beige
2. There's useless pieces of glass everywhere
3. It's beige
4. There are mirrors everywhere
5. It's beige
6. The blinds are beige
7. It's beige
8. It's cold
9. It's beige
10. Beige, beige, beige, beige... I'm losing my mind just being in here!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Great Night, Hellish Day

In the computer room. At college. On a Wednesday. And of course that can only mean one thing, I AM AWAITING THE EXCRUCIATING TORTURE THAT IS PSYCHOLOGY THIS AFTERNOON. This (prepare for an understatement) sucks.

Last night was really awesome. And I'm not exactly sure why. I talked to Lila, Christina's brazillian friend, and she's just really cool. We were having a discussion about piercings and since she doesn't know the words for certain things she makes noises to show what she's talking about. I'd get so frustrated if I couldn't translate what people were trying to say to me, but she's just so patient.

But now I'm back in the harsh reality of college and I have a pile of psychology work to do. And a massive line of mutated blisters down the side of my right foot that mean I'm walking like an injured (and drunk) soldier. To top it off neither Toni nor Catherine are in today.
Have you ever detested a person without any real reason? I do. And it's very unsettling to me. For confidentiality's sake we'll call her Lucy. Lucy pisses me off. Every time I see Lucy I cringe with loathing. And yet the only thing Lucy has actually done is walk around acting as though she is queen of the universe. And I know plenty of people like that, so why is it Lucy that I hate in particular?

Top 10 things I hate:

1. Pop noise pollution
2. Midsommer Murders and other shows that parents seem to adore (Last Detective, Dalziel and Pascoe etc.)
3. Being on my lonesome in class (*cough* Psychology *cough*)
4. Glastonbury Posers
5. "Lucy"
6. Linda Barkers
7. Close-Minded Hanson Bashers
8. Analysing other writers' work (it's POINTLESS)
9. Moulin Rouge
10. Discrimination

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Anti-Socialite

Hello! I am recovering from my first week back at college since I've had four weeks off on study leave. Just gone and got Kyle's birthday gift. It's his surprise eighteenth birthday party tomorrow. Now, I am 17 years old and I didn't think I was socially stunted, so is there something fundamentally wrong with me since I am dreading going to a party? It's just, I know I'm gonna be BORED STUPID and want to go home the whole time.
Yup, I'm stunted. Must be.

Top 10 chav mocking jokes:
1. What do you call a chav with two brain cells? Pregnant
2. Why should you never run over a chav on a bike? Because the bike is probably yours.
3. Why are chavs like slinkies? They have no real use, but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
4. What's the first question at a chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?
5. What do you call a chav in a tastefully decorated house? A burglar
6. How do you tell the difference between a chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut
7. What do chavs use as protection during sex? A bus shelter.
8. What's the most confusing day of the year for a chav? Father's day
9. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
And my personal favourite:
10. At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Chav male, 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Chavster. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blowjob?" he whispers. At this, the Chav leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer."I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the Chav replies. "Something about a job."

Man, I LOATHE, DETEST AND HATE ALL CHAVS.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

White Butterfly

The curse wasn't manifest. He wasn't there. Yet surely that's just an even worse outcome. So am I still cursed? I'm probably just reading too much into this. Right, no more James talk. I hope.
Monday was cool. Went into Manchester on my lonesome and bought 'White Butterfly', my hands were trembling as I reached out and took hold of it, how truly sad is that? And then I shed a few tears outside HMV and while I was on the train listening to it. It is just exquisitely beautiful, a life support at this time. I wrote this morning that nothing can hurt me now I have 'White Butterfly'. At least not for a while.

Last night, despite James' absence, went really well. The room looked perfect by the time we were done, I felt so proud of all the guys. They're all really special to me now. I'm gushing boring crap, so I'm gonna end this.

Top 10 reasons why Jackass is the greatest television show in HISTORY:

1. It gives detailed insight into the labyrinth of emotions that is the 'typical male relationship'
2. It is amusing in an archaic style
3. It shows the dedication of youth to entertainment (i.e. bobbing for jellyfish, now that is dedication)
4. It is not just inane stunts, there is often footage of skating that is also highly entertaining
5. The music is good
6. Some of the stunts that involve public reaction are highly enlightening and could be used to make psychological assumptions
7. Jackass is a beautiful expression of a dark imagination
8. Bam is hot
9. The Jackass boys are style gurus, helping young people all over the country to become equally stylish and therefore accepted (i.e. leopard print thongs are the future, how do those boys stay so far ahead of the crowd?)
10. Jackass is not just a show with the purpose of making people laugh by filming extreme actions, no, Jackass is also a fulfillment of dreams, dreams of a group of men who one day hoped to execute some of the greatest and most impressive stunts ever seen and allow the whole world to realise that dreams can come true!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Rain Is A Matter of Attitude

Yesterday I hung out at Jen's house to officially celebrate her birthday. It was hot. No, that is actually an incredible understatement. 'Hot' just does not create the adequate imagery. It was: searing, scorching, boiling, roasting, blistering, sweltering and just about any other word that describes intense heat.

And this morning it was even worse.

I thought I might die when I reached church. It was that bad. I refused to go out with all my friends to this open air festival in the park. And everyone was going. But I'm sick of being used by my friends as good company until their boyfriend's can make it. So I said no.

I got home and slumped into depression. As the heat remained, yet the dark clouds amassed in the sky and I asked God to make it rain.

And oh boy did it rain!!!

I love to gloat. It was a beautiful moment, as the rain bounced off the pavement for over an hour, and I sat at home devouring an ice lolly, comforted hugely by the knowlesge that the day of my 'so-called-friends' (except Catherine, Vic and Stephy!) was ruined. I love rain despite the circumstances, but I've never loved rain as much as I did today. Ah. I am evil. But at least I'm willing to admit it.

InMe's new album is out tomorrow. I'll feel better after I've got it.

Top 10 snack foods:

1. Salt and Vinegar Squares
2. Chuba Chups Lollipops
3. Malteasers
4. Quavers
5. Snack a Jacks
6. Jelly Cherries
7. Skittles
8. Milkybars
9. Double Dip
10. Glazed Popcorn

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Curse is Called

Yesterday was my 17th brithday. Being 17 does not feel any different. I am still little old sarcastic me, but richer and with more CDs.

I saw James on my birthday. My tongue could be controlled no longer. I blabbed to Catherine. Now it's simply a matter of time until the curse manifests in James. I wonder what it'll be. A girlfriend, homosexuality... a Marilyn Manson fan... who knows? Well, I will on Tuesday.

Reuben were awesome.

Top 10 reasons why Parents are useful:

1. They give you hugs
2. They pay for stuff
3. They pass on their 'rocker' genes to you (yet not your unfortunate older brother)
4. They will hold your hair while you throw up
5. They give up a life of eternal freedom to have children. That's gotta count for something.
6. They teach you valuable lessons. Such as how to make a good brew.
7. They make you eat three square meals a day.
8. They ferry you everywhere at all times of the night and day because they don't like the thought of you travelling alone.
9. They endure 'Parents Evenings' at school and college
10. They tape 'Desperate Housewives' when you're going out.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Birthdays

I promise to do no more whining about James until next Tuesday. After a night of analysing the whole 4 minutes we spent in the vicinity of one another, I have made a detailed 5-point plan of where I went wrong and how I might improve should such a situation occur again (that's absolute and total bollocks by the way, I'm not that pathetic).

Tomorrow is my seventeenth birthday and I am spending this evening in a state of Reuben-induced bliss! Tomorrow I'm planning on hanging out with Skinny, Maid and Jen whilst purchasing many CDs. Yay! CD purchasing! I've missed it so much!

Top 10 reasons why 'Rain is evil':

1. It gets your perfect hair wet so it explodes into a frizz ball
2. It always rears it's ugly head when you haven't got an umbrella
3. Baggy jeans get dragged through puddles and soak up the water
4. It's acidic too now so it damages the environment
5. It makes people do STUPID things (e.g. dance around getting absolutely drenched in it)
6. Homeless people HAVE to put up with getting wet
7. Can cause floods
8. Turns Festivals into mud baths
9. Means you have to carry round a STUPID coat cos any cool coat is NOT waterproof
10. It's cold

Perfection

Isn't it weird how sometimes everything can seem to be going right, your exact plan manifest before your eyes, sometimes even better than how you planned, and then something unexpected can ruin it all. See, you think that for things to run smoothly is all it will take to make you happy, but then that wildcard is thrown at you, something you didn't account for in your plan and suddenly, even though everything else couldn't have gone better, you're not as happy as you thought you'd be. In fact, you're not happy at all.

I thought I'd planned for his presence, for the possibility of it anyway. I wore a new top, I spent over an hour in the bathroom, I smelled delectable, though I do say it myself, but there was one thing I hadn't thought of. What the hell was I supposed to say to him? See it's all well and good to look good but if you come across completely devoid of brain cells well... you're screwed, a little like I am right now.

All I want is one more chance! A chance to say, 'Hey James, you can help me move a board?' Man!!! Then I'd even have the opportunity to talk to him, laugh with him, form some foundation for future bliss...

I'm an idiot. And writing about it has NOT helped.

Top 10 reasons why it's possible this guy might be THE ONE:

1. He has a really cute nose. No, REALLY cute.
2. I'm driving myself crazy thinking about him.
3. He made me hyperventilate tonight.
4. He has cool taste in music
5. He is a Christian Boy
6. He came back! He came back to Two-Twenty! Even I didn't think THAT was possible.
7. He can play guitar.
8. He makes me WAY nervous
9. He is shy
10. I've waited so long and seen all my friends get these PERFECT Christian boyfriends, surely it's my time now?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Changing Expectations

Tonight was the prayer meeting that I had, as it had been drawing closer, been dreading. Of course, it went great cos God never lets ya down. There was only five of us (which I choose to put down to the short notice of the offer) but the room was just filled, a little like it was at Scott's house. The night really changed some of the judgements I had made about people. I can't wait to start organising the next one.

Top 10 Bands to listen to when feeling melancholy:

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. Blind Melon
3. Coldplay
4. Keane
5. JJ72
6. Muse
7. The Zutons
8. Starsailor
9. Nirvana
10. The Strokes

I put a lot of thought into these lists you know.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Things Like This Don't Happen

I haven't been able to blog for ages due to computer viruses. Today has been a nice lazy day and I've got another early birthday gift from Vicky (some rumble packs for my N64 that are just class!). She's also got me 5 games but I haven't unwrapped them yet. I don't like opening Birthday or Christmas gifts before the day.
Last night, I was just washing up and listening to 'Just A Glimpse' when I kind of lost it. I couldn't stop crying and begging God not to take Toni's Mum away from her. I guess it had only just sunk in that she was seriously ill since Toni had told me earlier that day that she only had a 15% chance of survival in 5 years. I just kept mumbling the same thing over and over, 'Things like this don't happen. Things like this don't happen. Things like this don't happen.'

Yesterday at 2 am my Grandmother's neighbour died from colon cancer. I guess death does happen. Is this what growing up is? Death? Pain? Pressure? Fear?
If so I want out, I've been jipped. I thought growing up was all about fulfillment, responsability and self-actualisation. This SUCKS.

Top 10 ways to slob out:

1. Watch cartoons
2. Write crap on the internet
3. Play on the N64
4. On the phone
5. Decorate notebooks
6. Contemplate washing up
7. Write in diary
8. Read a book
9. Manicure
10. Reading my old stories and trying to muster the effort to finish them

Thursday, April 28, 2005

University

Top 10 list of hot guys:

1. Dave MacPherson (InMe)
2. Beck
3. Isaac Hanson (Hanson, duh!)
4. Gordon Moakes (Bloc Party)
5. Paul Banks (Interpol)
6. John Arne Riise (Liverpool FC)
7. Damian Kulash (Ok Go)
8. Caleb Followill (Kings of Leon)
9. Frank Ilero (My Chemical Romance)
10. Cute Guy From The Library (Winstanley College)


Been off from college today. Yawn. I love daytime cartoons FAR too much. Or maybe it's more to do with the HUGE zit I have which just refuses to leave. SO humiliating.
Had the whole 'Uni Talk' with my Mum this morning since I'm thinking of keeping Philosophy. Jeez, this is boring stuff.

I'm dreaming of the road to Istanbul.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Standardised

I love Mondays. I must be the only teenager in the universe that does.

We set STANDARDS for Small Group leaders yesterday in the meeting. It was all going fine:

NO drinking under 18 or around Youth
NO 18s films at the cinema. Use your own judgement upon 15s.
Clubbing: What are your motives for going? No clubbing with underage youth

But then we hit the biggy:

NO MUSIC WITH A PARENTAL ADVISORY LABEL.

I saw Thom Beale cringe. I KNOW I was cringing. Next week we move onto relationships...
It's all fun in my world.

(At least my message went AWESOME.)